The Time-Space Continuum

Posted on by Harlon

timespace

As I spend more and more time alone I am concerned that I am losing touch with what is a healthy amount of sadness, yearning, fear, uncertainty and anxiety.  I suppose all those words (are they feelings or thoughts, I always get the two mixed up) are moments of doubt. I imagine we all have moments of doubt.

I am having one now.

Through mindfulness I am getting better and not staying in those moments for long, but when I am in those moments, life can feel bleak.

Personal growth and self-awareness are wonderful things, but what about those moments of doubt. Those moments when you are thinking or feeling alone, anxious about the future, melancholy, are they part of that process?

I don’t think I am sure of that.

I feel unsure.

I stay in those thoughts or those feelings, whatever the fuck they are, for a while, not as long as I used to.

My future is uncertain.

Right now that feels like things are going downhill.

I know that another time, another place, that uncertainty will be exciting.

I know that in another space, I will feel exhilarated.

I am hopeless.

I am hopeful.

Loneliness is a trigger.

Pain is a trigger.

It is risky to talk to others about loneliness and it is risky to talk about being in pain. You lose more than what you gain by sharing. I mean I do.

I used to get stuck in sadness. I feel or think, no wait, that is definitely a feeling, but I turn it into action. I make plans to do something.

I am far away from everyone and everyone is slowly forgetting me so there is a gap between feeling alone and then not being alone.

The vacuum between feeling lonely and not being alone.

There is that time between now and then and it feels like I am lost. Or I think it is lost time.

Pain.

Pain is a feeling and pain is a that and it’s not easy to turn pain into action.

It’s hard to turn it away, it’s hard to turn it into sleep.

It’s called pain for a reason.

It’s Saturday night.

I think I know what I am doing.

Nothing.

I’ll feel better sometime soon.

Something.

Right now, I feel sad and I think I am alone.

I won’t get stuck there for long, but it’s where my mind is now.

I know there will be another time. I know there will be another place.

I just don’t always feel that connected to knowing that.

In this moment, I don’t.

Sometimes I do.

Sometime I will.

24 thoughts on “The Time-Space Continuum”

  1. Deeply honest shares are the best, Harlon. I can relate to these feelings as well. I especially relate to the question that comes: is this sensation of pain, loneliness, difficulty– is it part of the process? Or something I could be avoiding? Do I surrender to it? And if I do, will it wash me away? What’s it for? It’s that feeling of despair and confusion. We truly can’t even help ourselves when this weather pattern comes in. At least I cannot. You ride it out. That’s what you can do I think. Feel deeply into it. Carry the pain like a crying baby. Something to be held. Sometimes there are no answers, but it helps to know these feelings are definitely not an indication any of us are on the wrong track. It’s kinda’ where we get into the marrow of who we are…

    Peace
    Michael

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    • Thanks Michael, I think I waffle between acceptance & dissatisfaction. Connecting, such as you have, grounds me, and I find assurance that this is part of my human experience. I don’t dwell in the feeling of disenfranchised but sharing it allows me to explore it. It helps give that crying baby a name. Your comment moved me. You win your second Harlon award, this time for “Therapy”.
      Peace,
      Harlon

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  2. I know what you speak of here. And like you…I find with all of my work that the length of time I stay here is shortened. It is such a desperate feeling to me sometimes, and it makes me wish to never have to experience it. But it is a part of life…a part of the balance of things. I think you are handling it beautifully…sit with it…no judgment. It is what it is…and that’s ok. Much love and gentleness to you <3. Try hard to give both to yourself also.

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    • Lorrie, what a lovely message. Posting about what feels difficult is hard but the response demonstrates that with risk comes reward and that too is part of the balance of things. Thank you for the nudge of self-love and gentleness, it is there but sometimes hides in the shadows. Thank you for bringing happiness back into the light. Peace, Harlon

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    • Thank you, it’s the “always” part that gets overshadowed. Yet it’s the connection with others, be it virtual or not, that takes me out of the “doubt” and “uncertainty” and reminds me that even if I may not feel happy in the moment, I am happy with myself and I am happy with the life I live.
      Peace, Harlon

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  5. The human condition and experience is such a mixed bag of all your write. The only benediction I can find in moments of suffering is that it will pass, eventually, and until it does I try my best to focus on the present moment and what it offers and hopefully in that moment, I’ll remember to be grateful at this chance of life I’ve been given. I had a week that was sad, lost a beloved dog, it wasn’t easy, so please know I’m not writing this from a glib place but rather your words and post drew me in and meant something to me. I hope my response back to you does the same for you. Sending a cyber hug.

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  6. I know EXACTLYy how you feel. Sensation is not suffering until the mind comes in and tells stories about it. Drop the stories. Don’t believe the stories. Don’t follow the story. The “me” is just a story too. Don’t trust the “me.”

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  8. I appreciate your willingness to be so candid. You really captured the essence of being alone. I completely related to everything you mentioned. I have never been one of those people that needed someone around me all the time. I like being alone, but after awhile I start to wonder if I’ll get too used to it an isolate myself completely from the world.

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    • Thank you. I am similar, I like my time to myself, and I know that is part of who I am, I think that it’s finding the right balance, I was cautious about hitting “publish” on that one, but sharing these feelings seems to allow for a better perspective on the “big picture” of life. Good days, bad days, but overall life is beautiful. As were your words. Peace, Harlon

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  9. Harlon, I can fully relate to this post. This is that. That, for me now, is fear of the uncertainty. And that, is also pain, self-inflicted, which only heightens the ‘that’.

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    • Thanks Randy, having someone relate and understand is comforting and the “this and that” I realize are part of life – hearing from a friend allows the “this and that” to not be overwhelming. It’s just life – and why do I think that I feel like all of this will be “just a bad day” when spring and summer will be chock full of good days. Peace and love, Harlon

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