Frost Warning

Posted on by Harlon

earlyfrost

I’m having a hard time getting to sleep tonight

my mind seems concerned with this and that and the other thing

This being

  • I don’t think I know what I want

That being

  • I know what I want, I’ll just never find it

And the other thing

  • I should know better and be happy with where I am and what I have and that everything is actually good

I mean isn’t that what I have always said?

  • Be grateful for what I have, I am so fortunate compared to most

but then why am I, at this moment, writing this, here?

What do I get out of this other than airing my dirty laundry?

At this moment, I don’t know why exactly but I feel unsettled

and I know talking to a friend would help but it’s late

and I can’t sleep and I feel sad for some reason

sad like it’s just never going to come together for me and that’s just the way it’s going to be

and that is why, at this moment, I am writing this because it helps me get out of my thoughts

  • I am not living the life I want to live
  • I am not living up to my potential
  • I am so uncertain about the future
  • I live only in my thoughts

I want to be like someone who doesn’t toss and turn

I want to be one of those happy people

I want to be busy

I want to feel

  • engaged
  • empowered
  • resilient

and all those other words I read and hear and see a  lot

I want to be that

and not think about it

I want to go from one moment to the next

seemlessly

but I am up filling in the space between the moments with mind chatter , like cracks I seal with polyfill and a spatula

I think there is some sort of recipe for a balanced life

not one recipe but a recipe we get hand down to us, passed on or that we create

and it supports happy living

it’s not about having everything but enough of different things

and I don’t feel balanced

and maybe that is why I am writing this now,

it’s my version of busy for busy’s sake

for some reason I haven’t found,

wow, it’s like the song

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

my homemade concoction

I need a bit more of this

a pinch of that

or maybe I am just not good at this

or maybe some stuff is missing

and then I start to wonder how hard am I trying?

How motivated am I?

or maybe I am just not good at this

or maybe there’s work to be done

or maybe it’s all here and I can’t fucking see it or feel it

or possibly, quite possibly it is coming together for me

it is slow change

and that is what throws me off balance

and for now I am inhabiting my thoughts

that’s just where I go

  • I could be jogging
  • I could be reading
  • I should be getting ready for winter
  • I could be doing more

other than living all of this in my thoughts

but that’s how it is for now

and I am doing all those things I want to do

this is how it starts

until I adjust

to something that will become

my new familiar.

17 thoughts on “Frost Warning”

  2. Hi Harlon,

    One of the hardest things for me to learn was that happiness is a choice, and sometimes it’s a choice made into the wind with faith that if we walk into it for a bit we’ll reach the clearing. We keep wishing it will just happen to us. But once we get over that little fantasy and realize it’s the product of being in relationship with our lives and the world around us, things shift I think. Keep your head up, my friend. You walk tall!

    Peace
    Michael

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    • Thanks Michael, a very grounding insight. I must say that when I wrote this I felt like I was playing Blind Man’s Bluff and I was getting warmer, then getting colder. The awareness is there, it’s new and fragile, but it is there that everything is around me, whether I feel it or not. It’s like embracing forever. Embracing forever! Light bulb goes on. Perhaps the answer to the old joke about how many people it takes to screw in a lightbulb is – it doesn’t matter as long as you have friends and family. Thank you friend. Harlon

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  4. The search of your inner self includes sulfferings like depression, insecurity, vulnerability, etc, … are parts of this .processes ..!!! There will be a moment when you will realize que this “sulffering” in short it is a big depression., and this depression is your big ally .. .. because it impels you you to make effort to go a red ..untill one day it happens.. and the peace wil came to stay…, but all this request demand patience,discipline and understand that all this make part off one big process..!!! This is my go to..!! Peace, Harlon
    Francisco

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  7. The stream of consciousness flows around rocks and fallen trees to slowly make it’s way, but the journey continues with questions. God, give us peace to rest in a quiet pool, until the answers come, guiding us forward…..

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    • Thank you JoAnna, and the answers do come, by God’s grace, part of writing for me is therapy for me to open that stream of consciousness so I don’t become stuck, and the support of yourself and your guidance is part of that therapy. Gratitude, Harlon

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