The Need For Belonging For Me And My Belongings

Posted on by Harlon

freefalling

If it was easy. I probably wouldn’t like it. Sometimes it seems so challenging, that I want to just walk away and not admit it. Not feel it, but I don’t because it’s not easy.

Sometimes it seems so unrelenting and then that’s when I dig in deep and I start to create some movement. I admit it. I like it when I feel it.

Before I do that, I spend a lot of time staring out into space.

I hate the feeling of fighting “IT”.

I feel hopeful, but that really depends on the weather.

The winter has been grey and I miss the nature, that’s just my nature. I would do better if I lived in warmer weather.

I feel hopeless, because I don’t think things are going to get any better, although they say the only constant is change.

I get restless because I know that I know these things, I just sometimes don’t think them.

My friends have given up on me, I guess I am frustrating.

I am now a lost cause to them.

Too bad, because I am just searching, being me needs to have some meaning and it would be easier if I had a search crew who would support it, help me unbury it.

I am sensing judgment. I dislike that nonsense.

Being in the moment, can be so overwhelming. It feels like I am in a good place or there is no where for me to feel belonging, me and my belongings, feeling like there is nowhere for me to belong. I feel the longing, the need to be belonging.

I stretch out those moments, they become macro-reflections.

I wonder now, no matter how I slice it, they are all just self-deceptions.

The only way I suppose to can change things is for me to settle on something.

One thing.

And then get going.

I have a problem with focusing.

That is where I am now, a sort of neither here nor there.

I sometimes feel hopeful and other times hopeless.

My reality is static, I go from healthy to feeling unwell.

I go from wounded to being very social. Unwound to wound up to feeling normal.

The future goes from limitless skies to storms and thunderclouds, there is no in-between, no 50% chance of showers.

The safest place for me to be, although I don’t always know it and the best move for me, although I cannot always find it, is to take the ups and downs, the swinging all around, and take a deep breath and let it go and land, somewhere in the middle of it all, on my terms and on my solid ground.

20 thoughts on “The Need For Belonging For Me And My Belongings”

  2. Ah! My friend…I understand! There was a weatherman who said he was going to explain in very scientific terms what it means when they say there is a 50% chance of rain…he looked into the camera and stated, “It means it’s either going to rain…or it’s not going to rain!”
    And life is just like that. Sending you a h

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  4. I really like that birch in the fog, two of some of my favorite things combined! I loved the openness in this writing, Harlon, of the struggles and doubts that are familiar to all of us. Without the calm and grey of winter, we would not notice the ecstasy and colors of spring. May you enjoy it there, on your solid ground.

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  6. About halfway through this, I started thinking: balance. Watch out for all or nothing thinking. But as you write, you find your way home to the middle ground on your terms. You know what you need to do. “to settle on something. One thing.And then get going.” It’s not easy, but you will find your way. And nature will be there waiting for you. Spring always comes back around.
    I just thought of Mary Oliver’s poem: “Wild Geese” one of my favorites:
    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.

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    • Thank you JoAnna for the care and time you put into this response. That poem touched me in ways that I can’t fully capture, It was the little boost I needed or the gentle tap on the shoulder saying “you got this”. I am truly appreciative that you brought this poem (along with yourself) to my world. Hugs, Harlon

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  11. I’m doing recovery by myself. No froends, no family. Things will get better. Ultimately it’s all about me myself and I with regards to changing my moods, emotions. When I am overwhelmed I shrink my world way way down. Sometimes to hour by hour. I don’t let the noise sound over my stillness. I slow down life to a crawl. You can do this. You just need to control that most dangerous of things: your mind. As you think so you create. Create a different reality. Everything you need is INSIDE, not out my friend

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    • Thanks Rob, and very well said, I know when I am feeling this way, I am not truly centred and you are right, it all starts from within, I guess it’s a process and from there I can just allow things to be, knowing that the root, my self, is in control and that time is just a construct, I can go at my own speed. Peace, Harlon

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