My Ends Don’t Meet

Posted on by Harlon

I hear about the new normal

like it’s something I should be

I never got the first one right

so I am not sure how this should go any differently.

OK.

I wish I could function normally

but it seems to be something

beyond my reach

I go to sleep under the blanket of the night

in poor quality

but I can’t even seem to get that part right

I take pills

it’s a cost I pay

but then I wake up in the middle of the night

stepping out of a nightmare

I am anxious, afraid

I know we don’t understand sleep that well anyway

so it’s not like there is a solution delivered to my driveway

I can’t get back to sleep

I don’t want to take more pills

and if I fall back to sleep

If I do

and then I end up sleeping the day away

I miss meetings and conversations

I had scheduled that day

I feel like I am unsleeping my life away

trying to function on a nickel and a dime

knowing what I am gambling with is time

I wish I could function normally

more for you, than for me

I guess that’s why my friends have given up on me

but I am functioning

as normal as I can be

that’s who I am

that’s all I can be.

17 thoughts on “My Ends Don’t Meet”

  1. Harlon, this is a touching post. I know a fair number of people with serious trouble sleeping, and I have that trouble, too, at times. If I NEED to sleep, because of special duties the next day, that’s when I have the most trouble. As some here seem to say — sleep on schedules is not normal, really. Primitive people didn’t have schedules; we’re not intended to go to sleep on schedule and wake up on schedule. Medicine doesn’t help for long, and can be part of the problem, I quite agree. I seem to be helped most by music of a beautiful kind before bed. I watch videos of pretty singing with my laptop on my lap, sitting on my comfortable sofa. Sometimes fall asleep and am annoyed, but that’s okay. I go upstairs to bed and if I don’t fall asleep, or wake up much too soon, I have a book on tape handy. I turn it on next to me in bed; often I go to sleep listening and can’t find my place in the morning. If something awful is on my mind, though, then I do take medicine enough to help me, but mostly I stay away from pills as you do. Sometimes I wake up in the night and am hungry. I go downstairs and fix me up a good snack, and often that its me back to sleep. I don’t know if any of this relates to you, or could possibly help, but it’s good to know, anyway, that you’re not alone, as your friends here attest. You have a lot more friends and Commentators on your blog than I do — and that’s something!

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    • Thank you, and I think you raised such an important issue – which truly is a barrier to living our lives beautifully – “the media sells perfection”. Yes it does and that creates a sense of failure. Fuck the media! Hugs, Harlon

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  6. I know this place Harlon…
    my sleep is deeply compromised now.
    I wrote a piece on my site the other day about it…
    and I’m now trying something called “Restrictive Sleep Therapy.”
    Sounds fun.
    Right?!?
    And yes, the medicine….I use those too, with similar “costs”.

    And too…
    I believe now that anyone living with a debilitating chronic condition knows that friends, yes, too, and real friends, cannot always do the “things” that are required now, now that we are sick and no longer the people we once were.
    No judgement.
    Just is.

    I wonder with your post…
    and a tangent I’m on of late:
    if, in the not “simply accepting my condition”,
    all of it,
    the sleep deprivation,
    related mood “dips,
    mood “dips” related to the other aspects of my deteriorating health…
    all of it,
    if I would not be better off gently accepting it, everything, all of it.
    Stop fighting and judging the process.
    And too, finally, let go of who I once was.

    Sending Love
    And may Peace be with you

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  7. When I get to know people who seemed normal on the outside, I find out they are not any more normal than I am, and that we all got our mess. The older I get, the less sure I am about what normal means. Is it normal to stay up on the computer until 2am? I used to wake up every morning at 4 am, even if I stayed up late. I decided to practice meditation and/or prayer so that even if I didn’t go back to sleep, I’d be strengthening those skills. With that attitude, I tended to fall back to sleep more often, but not always, and now, I sleep later in the morning than I intended. Harlon, you are a gift. I wish you more rest and more moments of peace, whether asleep or awake. ❤

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  8. Thinking of you, Harlon. The good news is I don’t know if there really is a normal–only the paths our wandering hearts take to find freedom. And the really good news, they never give up, they know exactly what they’re doing, and they always arrive… Wishing you a clear passage.

    Peace
    Michael

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  9. Harlon, real friends don’t give up on you. There may be a price to pay for not being normal, but when you’re different you stand out more. I wish you more of the rest that you need coupled with more of the love that you want.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

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  13. According to Native American legends, there was a Coyote, who stayed up all night, working hard, shooting up all the stars into the sky, and arranging them in animal shapes for the other animals to enjoy their reflections in the sky. Sometimes, the howl of that Coyote still rings within us, keeping us up. May you enjoy the stars. ❤

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