And Then Again

Posted on by Harlon

I am struggling,

I am nobody’s friend

I aint nothing new,

pills are my friend.

I am tired of feeling it is the beginning of the end.

I am not Mister Right.

I am just trying to be myself

and be caregiver for someone else.

I could really use a friend.

Everyone’s busy

there is not time or geography to see me.

Nobody other.

Not even me, not even mine.

I  am facing what is happening

rather than avoid what is ultimately true.

We have to do

I believe, in what is the right thing to do.

There is a circle to life

and hello circle, I think I see the end of you.

I know I am not your best friend,

I don’t really like you,

nor do I expect for you to give a shit about  me.

I know the best that I can do is relax

know that things will change

and meanwhile

just allow me to be the better version of me.

Are you still alive, because she hasn’t gotten out of bed yet.

I am afraid to check in.

She is the better version of me.

28 thoughts on “And Then Again”

  1. My new friend Harlon! I’m getting to know you through your writing and finding that anyone would be blessed to call you friend. I have strong feelings about the word friend that I’ll have to share with you. 🤪 Btw I have too much time on my hands at times. I could really annoy a person if they need it. Lol Great poem!:)

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  2. Ah! My friend. I understand ❤
    I walk in and creep up to the bed and look for signs of chest going up and down. Some days it is harder to see…it takes longer…and then my heart skips a beat. Sending lots of love and a giant hug. Wish we lived close to one another ❤ ❤

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      • No worries…I feel our connection through the distance. I send you a giant hug right back…and compassion for your journey because I understand it.
        I read recently that being on the caregiver journey is not something we chose…it was chosen for us…and there are lessons to be learned. Believe me, I sometimes think ‘ENOUGH…I’VE LEARNED ENOUGH!’ But apparently, that is not so.
        Giant hug, my friend ❤

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  3. Harlon
    I can relate to many of your struggles, now is one day at a time, no time to expand you or the man you want to be. It sucks but is the reality of being a caregiver. It’s one of the toughest jobs and the emotional turmoil can play tricks with you mind, over and over.
    The beauty is knowing when your mother dies, she is relieved of her pain and struggles and in a beautiful place. After you start to grieve a day will come and you’ll know it’s it’s time to work on you.
    That’s where I am at right now, as soon as knee heals I get to explore my little world and learn, shape and accept who I am today.
    Harlon, you’re very strong, no doubt life will suck at times but you will make it. You are a true Survivor.
    M

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  5. It’s a hard place to be. But you “know that things will change.” I’m wondering about the support you’ve mentioned in the past – a therapist, support group? I’m praying for you, Harlon. Hugs.

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  6. I’m so sorry you are feeling so alone and hopeless! Rather than inventing a “version” of yourself, why not delve deep and try to remember the real and authentic you, embrace the self, and let that self lead you into your God-given purpose! And in such times as your are descrbing I highly recommend that you seek help with what you are feeling! I am not such a person but I am a good listener if you would like to release what your feeling. Or a journal helps to rid oneself of such things at least for a llttle while. It is very cathartic to get spiritual/emotiomal toxins out. Huigs and blessings, Natalie 🙂
    out

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  10. I keep you and your mom in my prayers, Harlon. May you both feel the enormous beauty of endings and beginnings. Do you have any gatherings of folks in your neck of thr woods? A place to hold someone’s hand and shed some tears in grief? It takes a village to carry what you are carrying. May I recommend a talk by Martin Prechtel on Youtube? Just search for Martin Prechtel Grief and Praise, it is in three parts about an hour long. And if you need someone to just listen, please feel free to email me at the address that comes with this comment profile.
    With much caring from far away,
    Kristina

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    • Thank you Kristina for your thoughtful response, sometimes all we need is something to go to, and your resources were quite impactful. Ins’t it great that that is what we can do for each other. I have learned in life to be grateful and I am grateful for having you watch over my shoulder. xoxo Harlon

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    • Thanks Isabel, your words and spirit mean a lot to me, and in moments of doubts, it is words like yours that give me the strength. And yes, turning to nature is always a good place to find strength, I struggle with winter, it’s just how I am constructed….I am fortunately going away for the month of February where I will experience growth and birds, it’ll be great for me, and thank YOU for being good for me as well. xo Harlon

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