Tangled Webs

Posted on by Harlon

Who am I trying to deceive?

I don’t think I am trying, I am just trying to find relief.

To get through every moment, from one to the next,

sometimes I have to disengage

and wake up when I wake up

feeling rested and ready to restart,

it seems I am better at figuring out what’s left

than what is gone.

I think there’s lots of things

that I am not thinking about

I know there are lots of things

that I am not talking about.

I’ve always made it through it,

I’ve always come out fine.

Things feel differently now

I don’t know if it’s the disease

or what’s going on in my mind.

I am afraid of dying, so I stay to myself

solitude is a safe place

where I can do no harm

but am I really living

is this being better off than dead.

I just want to escape

run away for awhile.

Not have to do dialysis

and go to the hospital all the time

and return and wake up feeling shitty

and it’s not all in my mind.

I want to unplug

and be free

to walk along the beach

and feel the sun and the breeze.

I want to have the energy to do what I want

do the fun things that I have always been good at discovering.

I have lost my appetite

I am not eating anymore

I am missing the zest

and the food for thought.

I am just hiding,

I am playing it safe

by doing no harm,

what am I doing to myself?

14 thoughts on “Tangled Webs”

  1. Hey Harlon,

    Sometimes difficulty shrinks me into the singularity of the moment, and, if I’m attentive, once in a while, that point turns inside-out into the simple freedom of being. And things open up. Your journey sounds challenging to one who is not in it, but also, I think you are courageous to look upon it so directly. Wishing you a heartfelt best… as you navigate what is.

    Peace
    Michael

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    • Sometimes, the less you know the better, actually now that I “say it” I realize that’s a crock of shit. I love knowledge, I love learning from others, I love sharing (selectively)….ask away 🙂

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        • Hey, good questions, I don’t know if I necessary want to share my responses with the world – or at least an honest answer would take some time and space – so feel free to email me and we can pick this dialogue up elsewhere: harlon.davey@gmail
          For now, it’s me taking care of myself – I do have great health care providers and I do have great friends but they have buy lives and I don’t. My days can really vary – on dialysis day I wake up very anxious knowing how lousy I am going to feel and the prophecy is fulfilled because I feel terrible after dialysis and it carries on until the next day, so I feel like I have a three day week and this is my challenge to make the most of that time – so I am looking for things to get involved in (meditation for instance) and right now I am aching to travel and it can be done on dialysis, it just takes planning. I have always traveled and that is the thing that my Mom loved about me, hearing about my adventures and tales of different worlds so I want to honour that so I am looking at doing some travelling – there’s so much to see and do, so my goal is to expand my world from the dialysis machine. It’s all just very sureal sometimes.

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  3. I’m hoping you will soon walk along a beach and and feel the sun and the breeze, or something close. I usually feel better when I’ve gotten outside a bit to “change the air in my head.” 🙂 Sending peace and healing energy to you, dear Harlon.

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    • I couldn’t agree with you more wonderful Rosaliene. Things have been a bit challenging, things feel more demanding, more stressing – if I let them stew, then they will simply simmer. Therapy, talking to friends are great ways for me t,o feel that I am taking my fears off the stove. I have been concerned that many of my recent posts seem to reflect a tone of disconnect, but I do find, particularly with writing, that I can chase these thoughts away, because they are just thoughts. Writing is a great way of being real with the world especially when you are predisposed to loneliness and isolation. Thanks for reading my posts and thank you for making me feel heard and I can listen to the other voices of hopes and dreams. Gratefully, Harlon

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