The Wreck Room

Things haven’t always been this way.  I wonder when and why it all started.

A series of events, I suppose, an incident of rejection, hate, jealousy perhaps. It doesn’t matter now. It’s been a slow long drawn out process.

A process that repeats itself, like a wave crashing on the shore, or more like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Again and again and again.

Why do I do this? Build myself up, taking on an exciting new challenge and then shining for a few moments then, in different ways, self-sabotaging my happiness and burning to the ground.  Making stupid choices. Making bad decisions. Behaving badly.

Why do I do this again and again? Different situations, different ways to destruct.

It’s almost a delicious feeling. To build myself up and then tear it all down; knowing I can build myself up again and feel brilliant. There is something exciting about turning nothing into something and then turning it back to nothing again.

It is an attraction I would like to divorce myself from. I am getting older. It’s not as easy. The world is getting more cruel. My climate is changing.

I don’t know if I can even do it again. It seems like I am starting to settle with isolation, guilt and shame.

I am not too sure why it is this way.  Is it nature or is it nurture? Has it been one too many challenges, one too many rejections, somehow the seed of self-loathing was planted, and it was nurtured.  By me? By my environment?

It’s time for this to stop. To take a deep breathe. To take a few more. It’s time to stop doing things the way I used to and not let my thoughts and feelings and actions be dismantled or altered by insignificant events, the wandering mind or the actions of others.

No more rising and then falling down.

It’s time to settle on middle ground.

26 thoughts on “The Wreck Room

  1. I really like your beautiful blog. A pleasure to come stroll on your pages. A great discovery and a very interesting blog. I will come back to visit you. Do not hesitate to visit my universe. See you soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Telling you that we have all been there and repeated our own mistakes does not make what you go through any better. It is just you are not alone in this fight of reevaluating our lives. I have come out of that cycle, and only hope that it ends here and now for you. Thanks for this great post

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There have been times I lost my head and let others assist me in falling and they’ll surely not be there to help you up! Learning to control how I react is key to my growth development though I’ve been stuck in this department for awhile now…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can understand, and like yourself I feel i was stuck in a similar area for a long time. Right now I am accessing some great support in psychotherapy and this trying is about me trying to reframe and try to take better control of my feelings and thoughts. I wish you strength.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I think having all this time in isolation has us probing at rabbit holes in our mind but it’s okay to leave them be. To choose a quieter, safer option for the time being. To do activities that involve the mind as well as the hands: building things, baking things, art, puzzles. My neighbourhood has decorated its street-facing windows with rainbows. We have a call in number where you can record yourself reading a short story, and lonely seniors can call in to hear them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is nice to see a silver lining in this, there are things we can do and I applaud you for your contributions. I am learning the power of healthy distractions to avoid rabbit holes. Thanks for the positive reinforcement. You rock!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hello my dear friend ❤
    Your writing is so profound…and spot on.
    I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can jump off the not so merry-go-round and live in the light of your soul. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. As we get older, the middle ground is much more comfortable and sustainable. It’s time to trade in your soaring and crashing for gently rolling hills. You are worthy of a good life. Give yourself a good life. You know what you need to do. Hugs and blessings are coming your way! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you JoAnna, yes, I rather like the sound of gently rolling hills – and I guess with all this time to think, what I am thinking about is living a meaningful life. I think I got this one. Hugs and blessings in return, Harlon

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I believe this “stay inside” time is fueling deep thoughts as we find ourselves with luxurious amounts of time, I’m not there yet but can feel the seeds planted over the past several weeks starting to stretch! Here’s to a brighter and more delicious albeit healthier future, Harlon…

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This is a really amazing self reflection piece. I think acknowledging this pattern in a more profound way, which is what you seem to be doing, will allow you recognize the symptoms of self destruction and hopefully prevent it next time! So much love, M.

    On Sun., Apr. 26, 2020, 11:10 a.m. A Patient Voice wrote:

    > Harlon posted: ” Things haven’t always been this way. I wonder when and > why it all started. A series of events, I suppose, an incident of > rejection, hate, jealousy perhaps. It doesn’t matter now. It’s been a slow > long drawn out process. A process that repea” >

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Sounds familiar Harlon. Maybe cause deep down we think we are not worthy a happy life and so subconsciously make the wrong repetitive choices and ultimately feel safe with disappointments which have become all too familiar over the years. A format C would perhaps be good to restart or hard drive and start with a clean sheet. Be well!

    Liked by 3 people

    • You have touched on something that I have been pondering a lot lately, do I deep down not believe that I deserve to be happy. If so, where does that comes from – which brings me back to nature versus nurture. I think you are wise when you suggest a Format C and hit restart. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, be well also!

      Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you – it’s nice to hear from a friendly voice, I hope you are doing well and your healing energy is much appreciated in this unusual times. Stay well, your friend, Harlon

      Liked by 2 people

  10. “and not let my thoughts and feelings and actions be dismantled or altered by insignificant events, the wandering mind or the actions of others.”……….I can feel these words you wrote in my soul. thank you……..

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s