Finding The Right Person

Posted on by Harlon

I don’t think I am doing this right. I’ve made mistakes before and I will make them again. I really should be doing better, doing more. I could generally just be doing everything better than the way I am doing everything these days. I haven’t exactly lived up to my potential. I should know better by now. What’s wrong with me?

At times, these are the sorts of thoughts that go through my mind. I think now might be a goods time to take a step back a bit and observe those thoughts, but with a gentle intent. 

Just because we think some things doesn’t make all of those things true, they are just thoughts. It’s what the brain is good at doing. It’s actually one of the many things that my brain is exceptionally good at doing. 

Now that I think of if, I am not so bad after all, all things considered.

It’s OK that I am not perfect. What does that even mean; perfection?, All things considered, I think I am doing not bad, in fact I am doing quite well, all things considered.

I gently remind myself I am not alone in this world and I explore the true meaning and power in that. There is so much good in my life and in me.

I’ve heard a little about something called self-compassion. The way I understand it is that it involves being gentle on myself when encountering personal shortcomings or perceived failures. I may not be able to ignore those thoughts of self-doubt, shame or guilt. I can, however, extend kindness to myself in times of perceived inadequacies or general suffering instead of feeling overwhelmed and criticizing myself. I can use this practice for accepting or to motivate myself rather than shame myself. 

I think of my relationship with others. I believe that I am a kind, caring and empathetic person. I go out of my way to please people. I try not to judge others. When I look at the relationship I have with myself, I don’t extend the same kindness. I am hard on myself. I am never really good enough. I have many great friends but I am my own worse enemy.

I think I might give that self-compassion thing a shot.

These days I often feel lonely and I can find myself thinking that’s just the way it’s going to be. It’s my fault that I haven’t found the right person; that someone that would could fix me.

Wait a moment.

I think I may have found the right person.

It’s me.

39 thoughts on “Finding The Right Person”

  1. O come on! Even though it is much better to scold one self than to be compassionate more often. So i say wait, breathing deep will take you a long way in observing; as they say meeting anyone is destiny, making anything out of that meeting is freewill. Observe, walk and feel till that energy comes near.
    My wishes dear soul.

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    • Thank you, it was nice to have that moment of empowerment as I was writing. The challenge remains for me to fully embrace that, and to forward in that spirit, but slowly.
      Thanks for your kind words! Harlon

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  8. Good stuff, Harlon. Not sure where it comes from, but we humans can have a tendency, when we turn the lens of our perception back on ourselves, to give ourselves shit. Self-awareness too often becomes self-judgment. There’s a pernicious voice in there. An image to live up to. All these so-called mistakes add up to wisdom, which you share in spades.

    Peace
    Michael

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    • I think you touched on something that I have been experiencing. I am working hard on getting myself out of this rut that seems to be dug around me, I try to remind myself to think of how far I’ve come and to be kind to myself, but with the snap of finger, it becomes self-judgment and it not a flattering way. I am hoping, as I seem to be on some particular path right now, that my brain’s default mode will be self-kindness. Like many things, I am learning it’s a practice. Your insight always seems to get the shovel out of the ground and me back up to being on track. Thanks pal, Harlon

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  11. Yay! I’m cheering for you, Harlon! Your thoughts are right on target! We can understand all this, yet it takes concentrated attention and practice to create new pathways in the brain for self compassion as the old pathways become overgrown. I had to take five years of stepping back and loving me before I was ready to find someone who would be a good partner. Take your time to learn to love you well.

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    • Thanks for the support JoAnna, and your comment really connected to how I am approaching things right now – in fact, you tapped rather nicely into my soon to be released next blog post about pathways. I agree, I am going to take time with this and do it wholeheartedly. Sending you Canadian hugs, Harlon

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    • Thanks so much, I really appreciate the kind words, and the encouragement for me to write more of my own. I’ve explored your blog and have enjoyed what I’ve seen. Let’s both keep writing 🙂

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  14. It’s a startling realization when we recognize that everything we have ever needed…or will need…is inside us. The trick is REMEMBERING this!! I go in and out of this idea often. It always feels good to go home and remember just how powerful we are.
    Sending lots of love and compassion! ❤

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    • Yes, it is funny how self-compassion is something we have to REMEMBER to do this. I am writing little-self affirmations on sticky notes and placing them strategically around the apartment. It helps. Especially now, with physical distancing, I am finding it easy to get too into my head and get caught in negative thought traps, no real value in that, so I try to catch myself when I can. Thanks for your love and compassion, if you don’t mind, I will send a big bundle of it to you as well. Much love, Harlon

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      • Mind…??? I’m counting on it, Harlon😊 The little stickies around the house is a great thing. And yes, it is astounding that we have to remember to be kind to ourselves. But…with practice we get better and better. I am always amazed at what I don’t know until I know it 😉 I just had a revelation that I have abandonment issues…who knew? I have to laugh because my first thought was to berate myself for not seeing this a long time ago…but then I stopped and laughed. It’s just another layer of the onion being pulled off…and we SEE what we are meant to see because we are ready to work on it then.
        I hope you feel good, Harlon 💜
        Much love and light!!

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  16. Humans are strange animals – why should we have to be taught about self-compassion? How does that not come standard? Why is it easier for you to do that for others than for your own self?
    And for that matter, why do we even have this concept of ‘perfection’? It’s as imaginary as unicorns but at least unicorns are meant to bring a little joy and magic into our lives. Perfection is an imaginary measurement against which everything inevitably falls short. It only cultivates disappointment. We need to aim for something other than perfection: for pride, for happiness, for satisfaction.

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    • You got that right! Our cultural values are a bit wonky. As I learn more about CBT, I think, I wish we learned THIS in health class in school. Thanks for dropping by!
      As an aside, I am thoroughly enjoying Fleabag. Binge watching and social isolation, it’s like love and marriage….well sort of.

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    • Hello Jay! Such wise and insightful words from you! Thank you.

      Hi Harlon! What a piece of self-reflection and sensitive introspection you have created here!

      I can see how social distancing can amplify your habits and create a kind of cognitive trap, hermetic bubble or vicious cycle, as you stated near the end of your post, “These days I often feel lonely and I can find myself thinking that’s just the way it’s going to be”, and also in one of your comments as follows:

      Especially now, with physical distancing, I am finding it easy to get too into my head and get caught in negative thought traps, no real value in that, so I try to catch myself when I can.

      As we maintain spatial distancing and stay home to avoid contracting and spreading the coronavirus, please kindly allow SoundEagle🦅 the pleasure to entertain you and Jay with a poem as well as a couple of original musical compositions recently published in the multimedia post entitled 🎼🎹—THE—🎹—LAST—🎹—RAG—🎹🎵🎶 at https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2020/04/12/the-last-rag/

      Since music can be an essential part of the process of sustainability, wellbeing, healing and even social change and spiritual awakening, may SoundEagle🦅’s music and poem in the said post bring you some creative “distractions” or “diversions” amidst the disruptions and woes engendered by the pandemic.

      The said post has been improved recently and has close to 100 comments. You are very welcome to join the conversations there.

      Happy reading and listening to both of you! I look forward to your feedback there.

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  17. I love this post! As a former therapist, I used to “preach” this to clients all the time. I love that you are in the process of learning to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, not always easy. Such an insightful post and one that will help many! All the best to you.

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    • Thank you. I do think self-compassion is something we overlook or perhaps taking advantage, it’s been helpful for me as I try to shine my light on it during my journey
      I am glad that we can be on the same path together. Socially distant huge, Harlon 🙂

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    • Thanks Derrick, it is indeed a nice place to rest for a while, especially with a lot of anxiety going around these days. It was a treat to hear from you again.
      i appreciate you dropping by.
      Cheers, Harlon

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    • Thanks, writing this post was a great way for me to practice self-compassion by putting it into words. I glad you enjoyed it – I hope self-compassion is contagious (in a good way).
      All the best to you as well 🙂 Harlon

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