Pain Killers

I have learned that there are different ways to think, to behave and to cope. However, when you are trying to challenge life long strategies – it’s hard to change. At least it feels that way. It feels like it is easier said than done.

This is where perseverance, trust, support and self-determination come in handy – that is if you can find those things or you have people that can help you find them.

On the surface, over the last few years, I can’t imagine it’s been very pretty to watch me. I go from struggling to feeling resilient to feeling destructive to feeling numb.

As ugly as I may have appeared on the surface, behind the scenes I was doing a lot of fucking work. I find it hard to change how we think, but I also know that retraining our brains is possible.

I’d like to think that, to some degree or to some extent that’s what I have been doing. I have been extremely fortunate to be referred to programs that experts thought might do me good. They were right. I explored Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Learning about distress tolerance and emotional regulation made so much sense.

However, I kept bouncing back and forth to that feeling that this is all easier said than done.

How do we change when change is difficult?

I have chosen to be open with my struggles with friends, family, healthcare professionals and something kept coming up. It’s not rocket science, but I was hearing it from people that I respected and, well, it made sense.

Just take things one day at a time.

Simple as that.

I may elaborate further, but I think it stands well alone. The day after dialysis is difficult and my response was the rest of my life would be difficult. It doesn’t have to be that way because I do not have to allow it to be that way. I may have a shitty day, but it is just that, one day, it does not suggest the rest of my life will be like that.

So I am just taking things one day at a time, because each day is precious and the future has the potential for opportunity, for change, for peace of mind.

Change can happen.

18 thoughts on “Pain Killers

  1. I get this, Harlon. I have struggled with many of the same feelings and issues. Change is hard, but it is POSSIBLE! I think, repetition is key. I think I have to remind myself, daily for sure, that I CAN CHANGE MY MIND! I’m here for you. And I know that you have been driving on a road that has huge hills. Keep your faith, my friend. Believe in yourself and your ability to make you life look the way you want it to look!! Sending lots of love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Carolyn for sharing. Anxiety is a tough one to conquer, but I do believe you expressed something so brilliantly, anxiety for me anyway, expressed it self as urgent, but patience ulltimately became my best defense. Hugs to you too! xoxo H.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Change can be very small too. One little step adds up to larger steps. Take it easy on yourself at the same time pushing forward. You’re getting there and know life is an ongoing journey. Talking to someone is the key to overcoming the biggest struggles. I know for a fact. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely agree, baby steps for me are the way to go, slowly but surely. I agree that being kind to myself is important as is not doing it alone. I am so grateful that I have you on my side. Much love, Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

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