I guess you could say an I am in a pickle.

As a person with multiple chronic and episodic disabilities, I am not an easy friend to have.

However, I try.

For the last two years, my health has been erratic, often failing surprising for no apparent reason.

Is it because I am HIV+ and my immunity system, after 30 years fails me, or am I just one of those people that gets ill often?

The thing is I don’t want this to come at jeopardizing my friendships.

And I get it, I make plans and then I have to cancel, but my intentions are good. I am quite transparent that I may suddenly get ill, and I appreciate that is a challenge when you’ve made plans three weeks in advance to so something.

However, I feel I have been forthright.  I have said to my friends can we make plans for a certain day, but with episodic health issues I just can’t follow through.

Some friends are good with this, let’s just take one day at a time,

They say it may not always work, but let’s give it a try,whereas I know other need to be able to plan in advance.

Recently, I cancelled plans to see a matinée with a friend, who is a caregiver like me, and HIV+ like me, and I texted him that morning to say, I was not feeling well, and didn’t feel comfortable driving.

His response:

“Really”

“I give up”.

I know it’s a lot for me to ask for such flexibility but I can’t help but wonder with a person with such complex issues I should just neglect the concept of friends.

Another friend told me I won’t be getting a Christmas card and why.

Where is the balance?

Where is the compassion?

I know I am being far from perfect, but I am trying my best

with a chronic illness,

Is the best thing to do, is just isolate yourself and be alone.

It seems easier at best.