I am seeing my psychiatrist on Monday and I am  looking forward to it. It’s covered by our Universal Health Care System. I’m lucky because it takes years to get one of the free ones.  It’s free, he is great and he is hot for what that’s worth.  More importantly, he is part of a research centre that does excellent work with people who have sleep disorders and for people who are living with HIV and they do couple counselling too, which is cool.  I have a sleep disorder and I am living with HIV but I am not part of a couple but I have seen the couples’s psychiatrist twice in the past, each time with a different partner.  She said that we should break up both times  I ended both relationships. I needed more space to grow.

I guess I didn’t really end things myself, some things, in fact all things just end over time. Inevitability.

I also took part in a study on mindfulness and meditation and we met once a week and were taught about mindfulness and meditation. I learned a lot from that, it takes practice, like anything in life that you want to be good at. I still practice it to clear my head space when I have the time. Over time I have integrated into my life and now it has become a part of me. It makes sense and I believe it would be a better world if it were a part of all of our lives.

It took me a long time to deal with observing how much my brain wanders, but it is interesting to notice where we visit in our head space.

I think things take a long time to happen but I look back and I think that things didn’t take so long. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes for things to happen, things just need the time they need to happen.

I need the time I need for me to allow the things I need and want to happen, it doesn’t matter how much time it takes or the space I take up. It’s just time. It’s just space.

The second research study I took part in was art therapy and it was amazing and I will remember that experience as one of the richest and most profound processes in my life.  It was once a week again for twelve weeks and each session I would use whatever medium I felt like, there were crayons, chalk, pencil crayons, paint and other stuff, and each session I would be guided to make art about aspects of my feelings or perceptions of the virus that was living and taking up space in my body. I remember the last session so well.  It was the closure session and I could make art on anything I wanted.  It didn’t take me long to figure out what art I wanted to make.  It didn’t take long but at the same time it took me years go get to that place. It took me years to get into that head space but it really didn’t take that much time.

It takes the time it takes for time to get where it gets.

Velocity is a variable.

Invariably, I drew a big blue wave and she asked me to describe what I drew and why and I remember saying that this meant “go with the flow”. That has stuck with me and that is how I live my life. It is how I move through time and space.

As you are reading this now, I wish to thank you for giving me your time and allowing me into your space.

I am looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist because I am looking forward to telling him that I am happy. Good things are happening.  Things are falling into place. I am happy living with my Mom. I am not alone all the time. I have someone who cares about me and someone I care about in my life. I am not alone in the city. I had lost hope and now it’s back and it’s there all the time. Naturally. Happiness and hope take practice. I am not perfect, but I am perfect for me.

My worries are few. Stress is what kills you. I am going to tell him I am happy.  I am being valued.  My knowledge and experience is being recognized it and I engage with others and we share knowledge and our experiences. I am being compensated a little. It’s the start of something new and something good that I worked on to achieve.

I’m getting lots of new attention and that makes me feel good and I think I will make some great new friends and I am going to go on dates and I think I might find a boyfriend or a girlfriend or maybe I will find my dog and I can be his person.

I only have so much time with my psychiatrist. One hour. I already know what is working for me and what work I still have to do and where I want to focus. Over time I am understanding things better so I will take as much of our time as I can to talk about where I struggle because I will be in a safe space.

I am going with the flow and doing it mindfully and my way.

I am in a good headspace and I am taking my time.