As I spend more and more time alone I am concerned that I am losing touch with what is a healthy amount of sadness, yearning, fear, uncertainty and anxiety. I suppose all those words (are they feelings or thoughts, I always get the two mixed up) are moments of doubt. I imagine we all have moments of doubt.
I am having one now.
Through mindfulness I am getting better and not staying in those moments for long, but when I am in those moments, life can feel bleak.
Personal growth and self-awareness are wonderful things, but what about those moments of doubt. Those moments when you are thinking or feeling alone, anxious about the future, melancholy, are they part of that process?
I don’t think I am sure of that.
I feel unsure.
I stay in those thoughts or those feelings, whatever the fuck they are, for a while, not as long as I used to.
My future is uncertain.
Right now that feels like things are going downhill.
I know that another time, another place, that uncertainty will be exciting.
I know that in another space, I will feel exhilarated.
I am hopeless.
I am hopeful.
Loneliness is a trigger.
Pain is a trigger.
It is risky to talk to others about loneliness and it is risky to talk about being in pain. You lose more than what you gain by sharing. I mean I do.
I used to get stuck in sadness. I feel or think, no wait, that is definitely a feeling, but I turn it into action. I make plans to do something.
I am far away from everyone and everyone is slowly forgetting me so there is a gap between feeling alone and then not being alone.
The vacuum between feeling lonely and not being alone.
There is that time between now and then and it feels like I am lost. Or I think it is lost time.
Pain is a feeling and pain is a that and it’s not easy to turn pain into action.
It’s hard to turn it away, it’s hard to turn it into sleep.
It’s called pain for a reason.
It’s Saturday night.
I think I know what I am doing.
I’ll feel better sometime soon.
Right now, I feel sad and I think I am alone.
I won’t get stuck there for long, but it’s where my mind is now.
I know there will be another time. I know there will be another place.
I just don’t always feel that connected to knowing that.
In this moment, I don’t.
Sometimes I do.
Sometime I will.