Some Junk For My Funk

junk

For a while there, I felt I was right on track. I knew what I needed was inside of me. I allowed things to be, I chased my dreams, I believed in myself. I was mindful and the future was in the palm of my hands and the present, this moment, was money in the bank.

Hello stranger, things seemed to have changed over time. I am not feeling so good, I am looking for help, or feel that I need it. I have stopped believing in myself. I am restless, I am bored. I am lethargic, I am not doing the things that are good for myself anymore. I didn’t like being in the moment because it seemed like it was empty and “planning for my retirement” was a foreign language.

It felt like things were going downhill, and that the solution lies within a pill, but I swallowed my pride and look at this as part of the ride and yes, sometimes, it feels like I am not making any progress but that’s just a matter of time. I go up. I go down. I got down. I feel down.

I feel what I feel and that is just real.  I can make change if I change. I can rise from the ashes again. It just feels that this is taking a mighty long time and I am in a place I know that I have already been.

I am not doing what I said I would do, I am not doing what I know I should do. What’s that all about?

Sometimes I think you just have to pull back and look at your circumstance and realize that I am just in a bit of a funk. It’s part of the downs and the ups of life. It’s seasonal.

I think I have been affected by my disorder and I will take that at face value. The lack of sunshine, the fresh air, nothing to savour but the grey and the cold. All of this is not the kind of moment that I really want to be in, so I don’t need to be in it, just with it. I am going to be real and realize that this is my biochemistry and it has gotten the better of me.

I win sometimes, I lose sometimes, but I am always learning all the time. Yes, it seems like a mighty long time and I am repeating myself. Going in circles, but like some Spirograph design, I think each circle gets bigger, becomes more complete, enhances the circle that preceded it.

There’s a time to disconnect and there is a time to reconnect and so it shall be. It’s been hard on my friendships, hard on me. I am frustrated with myself because I don’t think I am really being me.

That’s just the way it is and I won’t let it consume me.  I am not the best me right now, but so it shall be, I’m just taking notes so that I can get better at dealing with me being me and writing this as a reminder to not be hard on myself because there is a bigger picture and there is room enough for me and all of the “me”s that are me, myself and I in that portrait of my life.

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30 thoughts on “Some Junk For My Funk

    1. Tulips, narcissus, daffodils and hyacinth bulbs have just appeared above ground. My helleborus has blooms. It’s early but yes, the smallest of things can make the greatest of differences. They do make me happy. Thanks Isabel, xo Harlon

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  1. maybe this quote will help: “It is easy to be swept away by some overwhelming feeling, so it’s helpful to remember that any stressful feeling is like a compassionate alarm clock that says, “You’re caught in the dream.” Depression, pain, and fear are gifts that say, “Sweetheart, take a look at your thinking right now. You’re living in a story that isn’t true for you.”
    ― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
    wish you to rise above it!

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  2. The chemist who can extract from his heart’s elements, compassion, respect, longing, patience, regret, surprise, and forgiveness and compound them into one can create that atom which is called love.
    I love this quote by Kahlil Gibran

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  3. You have some awesome insights going on, Harlon. I have a feeling there is a big seasonal component with what’s happening with you. I like Brad’s ideas about self love, which brings me to this question which has helped me: What would you say to and/or how would you nurture a good friend, someone who you love and cherish, if that friend expressed the same things you are feeling?

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    1. Dear JoAnna, wow that was the best practical advice I think I’ve ever received, or at least one that I am finding easy to practice and it works. I find that people feel comfortable opening up to me and I listen and respond with ideas that might help if they feel they are struggling. Funny, it never occurred to give myself advice. I tend to stew in my thoughts or get caught up in analyzing them, however over the last few days when I was struggling with some uncertainty I responded to myself the way I would nurture a friend, and from this, has come clarity and sometimes action. I don’t want to go overboard with this, but it feels a bit like a breakthrough. Nurturing myself as I would nurture others. Thank you JoAnna for sharing your wisdom, you are the sunshine on my shoulders – and that makes me happy. Hugs, Harlon

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  4. I liked the way you ended this post… Acceptance is such a hard commodity to come by. Yet, when we do, we can, at least, agree/come to terms with the status quo; which has a way of calming our sensibilities!

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    1. Thank you Carolyn, I agree 100%, things may not always feel or be the way we would like them to be, but fighting that sense of dissatisfaction takes a lot of energy. I think from acceptance we can, as you say come to terms with the status quo – and quite often that opens the door to a new kind of clarity and hope. Hugs, Harlon

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    1. Dear Brad, every now and then I seem to falter with loving myself and whatever rises. Sometimes out of frustration or just weariness, the critical voice speaks up. It’s by writing and by gentle reminders from kind-hearted people such as yourself that help me reset myself to loving what I feel. Hugs in return, Harlon

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      1. Thanks Harlon. I understand, having spent much of the last 5 years in depression and a negative spiral. Only recently have I turned things around with this self-love practice. I hope you have or create a practice that serves you.

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        1. Thanks for sharing that Brad, a person’s narrative is very powerful to me – and you’ve inspired to focus in on a practice – it’s an act in process – but I am certainly feeling motivated and learning what works. Thank you again so much for your support.

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  5. Hang in there Harlon. Life is not a sprint as you well know. It has seasons which we must always pay heed to. This however is how I find it to be. The race rarely goes to the swiftest but rather the one that puts one foot in front of the other and fully trusting in God. You are a winner and winners need to step back every once in awhile and breath. You’ll regain your focus! This is what we believe.

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    1. Self-compassion is the key….and I think for me, the awareness is that I will feel completely different once spring is here. I am just one of those people that does not do winter well. Calgon take me away! xo Haron

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      1. Yes, sitting with feelings can help as well as awareness that they’ll pass. Understanding the bigger seasonal picture is great… doing little things for yourself especially during these times would be good. A lovely Calgon bath might be welcome! As well as making lovely cups of tea, maybe some types of arts and crafts (creativity other than writing), tending plants, watching movies…. Hope that you feel better soon! xo Danica 🙂

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