For a while there, I felt I was right on track. I knew what I needed was inside of me. I allowed things to be, I chased my dreams, I believed in myself. I was mindful and the future was in the palm of my hands and the present, this moment, was money in the bank.
Hello stranger, things seemed to have changed over time. I am not feeling so good, I am looking for help, or feel that I need it. I have stopped believing in myself. I am restless, I am bored. I am lethargic, I am not doing the things that are good for myself anymore. I didn’t like being in the moment because it seemed like it was empty and “planning for my retirement” was a foreign language.
It felt like things were going downhill, and that the solution lies within a pill, but I swallowed my pride and look at this as part of the ride and yes, sometimes, it feels like I am not making any progress but that’s just a matter of time. I go up. I go down. I got down. I feel down.
I feel what I feel and that is just real. I can make change if I change. I can rise from the ashes again. It just feels that this is taking a mighty long time and I am in a place I know that I have already been.
I am not doing what I said I would do, I am not doing what I know I should do. What’s that all about?
Sometimes I think you just have to pull back and look at your circumstance and realize that I am just in a bit of a funk. It’s part of the downs and the ups of life. It’s seasonal.
I think I have been affected by my disorder and I will take that at face value. The lack of sunshine, the fresh air, nothing to savour but the grey and the cold. All of this is not the kind of moment that I really want to be in, so I don’t need to be in it, just with it. I am going to be real and realize that this is my biochemistry and it has gotten the better of me.
I win sometimes, I lose sometimes, but I am always learning all the time. Yes, it seems like a mighty long time and I am repeating myself. Going in circles, but like some Spirograph design, I think each circle gets bigger, becomes more complete, enhances the circle that preceded it.
There’s a time to disconnect and there is a time to reconnect and so it shall be. It’s been hard on my friendships, hard on me. I am frustrated with myself because I don’t think I am really being me.
That’s just the way it is and I won’t let it consume me. I am not the best me right now, but so it shall be, I’m just taking notes so that I can get better at dealing with me being me and writing this as a reminder to not be hard on myself because there is a bigger picture and there is room enough for me and all of the “me”s that are me, myself and I in that portrait of my life.