What if I am not as resilient as people say? What if I am not as mindful as people think I am?
With a lot of therapy and personal awareness, I find myself asking these questions.
Throughout the last few months, my exploration has led me to two conclusions. The first that uncertainty and not having control manifests itself as anxiety quite quickly and profoundly. Then I ask isn’t that was anxiety is, the fear of the unknown. I wasn’t always this anxious but I have become hypervigilant about my feelings, in particular to anxiety and in turn to uncertainty. I try to minimize uncertainty by thinking about what is the probability and something bad will happen. A lot of bad things happened to me, it was relentless and although I hesitate to use the word traumatized, but maybe the series of significant losses in my life has made me vulnerable to doubt.
The other is that I don’t have a very good relationship with myself. You could call it poor self-esteem but I find in the therapy world, poor self-esteem is usually followed by a sentence with the word shame in it. I don’t identify with the word shame. I do identify with this feeling that maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Perhaps that is what shame is? I suspect this notion of self-love is going to be a work in process.
Sometimes I wonder is it possible that I am too mindful?
Is there such a thing as too much psychotherapy?
Am I beyond repair?
Have I forgotten the basics along the way, to be present and in the moment?
I choose to stop thinking of therapy as fixing what is broken but instead as a lifelong journey of healing and learning.
I’ll still always be thinking and feeling, and regulating and tolerating those difficult thoughts and feelings, but maybe it’s time for a shift.
I can radically accept that uncertainty exists.
I can be kinder to myself, maybe even lighten things up a bit. If I am kinder to myself. I think that will begin to address feelings of not deserving happiness or lack of self-esteem which leads me feeling disconnected.
To feel connected, means allowing myself to be vulnerable, in front of others and myself and accepting myself as who I am, and accepting uncertainty so that I continue this journey of learning and healing and strengthening the relationship I am having with myself.