Someone Left My Cake Out In The Rain

donna-summer-love-to-love-you-baby

As I try to understand pain and how and why it manifests itself in my body, one thing is for sure, stress is a trigger.  Change, good or bad, can be stressful.  
Beyond pain, stress is what will kill you.
I read somewhere in a newspaper that if you are in pain, one good remedy is to swear.
Fuck it hurts.
They call it pain for a reason.
Change is a choice, however it always leads to something better,
I have my mind made up.  I need to rest. I am standing between the n and the g of change.  My ecosystem is now just a niche and it scares me that I need to pay attention or I may drive by it over the next nine days. Distracted, consumed, unable to see the forest for the trees.
My body is processing quicker than my brain. I am jettisoning. Flotsam and jetsam, it feels like failures but they were things to distract me.  
Fucking rabbit holes.
See what happens when you set me free, or when you don’t leave me this way.  I turn another way, and we are both free. or you say something cruel and I say something back, I can’t let go of the kick me when I am down echo from the last few years, it will come out, hell or high water.
Yet we are dancing to the beat of our own drum, and went the dance becomes free, change is free because I have surrendered.
The pain is making it harder, and this feels like it has been harder than it should have been. I haven’t been able to access what works, which is what happens when you take away my options.  The system is weak, it’s letting me fall further than it should. 
When I ride my bicycle there are so many potholes in the road.  It’s never been like this before.
Fucking pot holes.
My life skills aren’t about making better decisions, it’s the game of Life.  Feels more like Kerplunk.
I lost my marbles.
Operation.
You removed my funny bone.
The writing is no longer on the wall, I stripped it off, I didn’t pack it in any of the boxes.
I am burning my bridges.
Opening new doors.
I am not failing, I am releasing, I am doing what always scared me, letting go, failing and falling, because I think that is what death feels like.
What would happen if I just let go.
Yes, this is my migration.
Instead I get my mind lost in thought and examining intersections and following wildlife and taking a last look,a long look, longingly at how I got here.  
What am I really going to do with all of this?
All that I have to do right now is allow everything to be.
I will move on, sideways, backwards, upside down Flint-Rubble Double Bubble Cake.
I am adapting..  
There is pain.
I will pack a picnic, stretch in the ravine, lower my shoulders and breathe into the pain.  Breathe into the pain so it is light and feeling the pain is feeling disencumbered.
There is pain.
This will be the nicest day we have had this year, and in a long time.  I will spent as much time as I can today out in the fresh air.
There is recovery.
There is music.

Spring was never waiting for us dear

It ran one step ahead

As we followed in the dance

Between the parted pages and the prayers

Still love’s hot, fevered iron

Like a striped pair of pants

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet, green icing flowing down

Someone left the cake out in the rain

There would be another song for me

For I will sing it

There would be another dream for me

Someone will bring it

I will drink the wine while it is warm

And never let you catch me looking at the sun

And after all the loves of my life

After all the loves of my life, you’ll still be the one

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it

I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it

I will have the things that I desire

And my passion flow like rivers through the sky

And after all the loves of my life

Oh, after all the loves of my life

I’ll be thinking of you – and wondering why

Songwriters: WEBB, JIMMY / DROVER, ADRIAN

I just can’t seem to pull through anymore.  
I know that I will get through.
I think that I can take it, even though it took so long to bake it, doesn’t matter, I don’t need that recipe again.
 
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