Auto Immune

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Tilted in transit
moving elliptically
in my orbit of being
I am viewed skeptically
no one asks how it feels
experiences unsaid
become a state of mind
thinking critically
keeps me in sight
vision inhibited by space and time.
 
In this orbit
of thinking and being
the experience is uncaptured
nothingness forms memories
that get stored in my mind
on the tip of my tongue
is an iceberg
and in the blink of an eye
what’s mine becomes yours
the relationship is fractured
the warehouse on fire
it is inevitable
it is matter
it is time.
 
Farther and further
I am now past the post
into chaos and disorder
towards what I fear most
good to go
call off your ghost
I am bad for myself
and so it goes
out of stock
waiting in line
being on back order
is better than nothing
you may have your ego
but you have nothing when you don’t have your health.
 
Aren’t you curious
when I am managed
how easily I fit into slots
and why some get furious
when there has been so much damage
they can’t connect the dots?
 
When I get trapped in their mind
I get lost in theirs thoughts
outside of my body
the communication stops
I would have stayed with you
if you stood next to me
being me can be what you want
but you found what you need
at your old haunt.
.
How long has it been and
how far did I go?
Standing still in orbit
you’re taking things too far
listening to music
shopping for more
check the rear view mirror
to see you haven’t actually moved at all
when the pace picks up 
others will stall
lose their sense of space
and sight of who they are.
 
Gone is that place
next in line
single file
one voice at a time
I am not telling you anything
that you don’t already know
in the land of the living
I am just being dramatic
but that’s what you get
when I never got past
the post of what was so traumatic.
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6 thoughts on “Auto Immune

  1. Great, provocative writing. Makes me want to be present to every being I ever encounter in the check-out line of the supermarket, to capture the experience, the recognition, the presence and not let it fade. Maybe there can be healing in this way of seeing and carrying and holding experience. I went to read your About page before commenting, as I was curious about the autoimmune title to this work and whether or not it was part of your personal experience. I was blown away by what you have journeyed through, and love the sense of humor you have held onto. Wishing you peace and joy.

    Michael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Michael. I thought when I wrote this that it went out of control – I must have hit a few good notes because what you mention in your comment about holding on to the experience was where I began. I think all the words changed and isn’t great that your comment to me became part of this experience – and better yet, it feels less alone. Thank you my friend, Harlon

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  2. getting lost in the orbit of this body…. has stuck with me it is a great line. I loved this and you made me wonder how we can capture those moments perhaps take a step backwards and begin to write a diary – though I suppose it would be a step forwards in the long term.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. if I had waited one second, I would have not hit publish and would have stared off into space thinking how did I get there and is there more to this than meets the eye or less. Throwing caution into the wind is a great step, and the challenge for me has been the experiences that we have, how do they get captured, for ourselves and for others. I’ve always felt that if I stopped to write about those moments in a diary that I’d lose the authenticity of the experience. Writing in a journal was always hit and miss for me but ultimately it moved me forward. I am not even sure if my comment made sense…perhaps that’s why I orbit because so much of everything is “state of mind”. November, so glad there are only 30 days 🙂

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  3. Harlon, there is so much I could say about this brilliant prose, but the centre truth is this: for too many people living is…”the experience is uncaptured”. Harness every moment and love until your heart doesn’t hurt any more! Lynnclaire

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks again for standing beside me as I explore. It’s really something that I value – this post started with the words “my experiences are not being captured” as I reflected on my work – from there it blossomed, again the uncertainty and hesitation that what the sticky note had turned into – rambling – settling on trusting that I know this – it’s the state of mind that changes things, the foundation is something I can trust and feel secure with.

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