It’s amazing how I stepped out to begin a challenge to myself and fell into a rhythm. The challenge seemed like a great idea at first, timing wise, it seemed favourable. Reintegration.
Then as I threw out a desperate “it has to happen now or never” plea to my network with a hard deadline of resignation that survival is my victory and to start to explore acceptance.
I threw out what I had so I could say this is my value.
I did not believe it would go differently this time. I was not 100% confident. I was prepared for “at least I tried” as my victory.
One Monday I had breakfast with someone who has been a real “landmark” for me as being able to see myself again for who I am and becoming. Somehow she gets me back on track.
I am not entering a new part of my life. This is going to be exciting and fun. I also have the opportunity to draw from my crazy lived experience, get creative, show what I am capable of. Become the person who will succeed, because that is the person I am, I am moving towards change, draw from my strength so that I can rest soon and relax.
I deserve that and thanks to a friend who nudged me towards focusing on how my mind is set because that is what dictates the experience.
Thank you for breakfast. I am happy.
Happy and tired but I move on to a lunch meeting with someone whom I respect and is a hero for me and whose work I wish to honour. Through shared experiences he was able to provide the peer support component that centres me. We explored that path candidly and blunt in fashion. It’s not going to be easy, everything is conspired against me. He doesn’t know me well, but he illustrated what he sees me being good at and I can see the design and ideas to follow up on, targeted outreach.
This is not something I need to be afraid of. Don’t live it in my mind, move forward with it. Drop the urgency, go a bit broader then contain myself. Focus. Check in on myself.
Thank you for lunch. I am rich.
Onward, three for three I go as a perfectly timed visit with my psychiatrist at 3pm.
I am here so that I can check in on myself, observe how I go from full to empty, zero to 19 squared. I am going to track myself. He becomes my friend and confidante.
It’s the confidence that lacks. Build that in.
When I am confident I will enjoy this more. I will be happy and I will develop a new stage for my life to play out on.
The Reintegration of Goodness.