New and Unchanged

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The sentence I didn’t start was the smartest thing I said today

or else I’d reflect and readjust and I’d be trying to change something.

I am now at the same place as I was five days ago.

That’s the right answer.

Water the plants, make some playlists for 2016.

Get out of here.

Just for a while.

When you get the right answer the first time around, give yourself a good pat on the back and a good kickstart for what you’ve just accomplished. It’s quite an accomplishment to allow things to be. Nothing is hard as being something that cannot simply be.

A cleansing, which is a type of nothing, could be next, I haven’t started thinking yet although I am far from having nothing on my mind.

I am slowly falling out of people’s plans, people’s minds, people’s care, people’s conversation and spaces in memories and I don’t think I really am a possibility anymore.

What does that mean when I say a possibiltiy?

It’s probably nonsense but I think it may just be that sense of urgency that doesn’t need to exist because it doesn’t motivate me as I would expect it would. It deflates me.

Flat Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

Did you notice that each word in that sentence started with a capital.

What’s the point of that that rules are meant to be broken, but structure is probably a good thing.

I am somewhere in the middle, an initial, a hyphen – if I ripped this all up which part of the paper would I be on. The part that gets recycled or the part that gets reused.

I don’t know what I am doing so much these days, and I am not doing half bad with that. I am the part of the paper that gets the other “r”. Reduced? Refused?

It’s only rock and roll, but I like it,

Right answer.

Notice that and see how that feels.

A possibility for what?

No actions plans.

It’s not that hard when you’re skating on thin ice.

The funny memories that I am a part of are fading, it’s hard to compete for bandwidth of the brain.

I’ll be fine.

One way or another.

Three for three today and just stopping. Completely octagon red sign STOP. None of this YIELD shit. Bloody well, STOP.

And look both ways.

Or maybe four ways, not a bad idea to look up and down too!

Stop.

And quite possibly, I am very capable of surprising myself and liberating myself from my lists, my day planners, my “last chances” and my “desperate measures” which were always half metric and half imperial – so it’s always felt like an unifinished project. Maybe I was distracted, watershed moments, what are they?

Don’t know. Don’t need to know.

What does your Day Planner 2016 say on the cover?

Mine says Wanderlust.

I am not doing too bad for someone who feels like they should be taking a course on clearing their throat so people will hear me, and for now I don’t have much to say so why take up people’ attention space.  My Wanderlust feels a bit like a road to nowhere, but that’s only 1/7 of 1/52 of it. I don’t feel like anyone is lstening to me, well, Goddamn I’ll be real for what’s real in this momenjt, I don’t think anyone is thinking of me, probably never.

Seldom.

That’s the price I paid for all of this, moments that are real, when I feel connected are seldom. Few.

There is nothing to look for in between the lines it’s just, well, I guess all I can do for now is be present.

Is that where I was, is that where I am now,is that where I am going? When you are standing still, change is the kind of ride at the carnival that makes you want to barf your blue cotton candy all over the parking lot.

Too many frosted lucky charms and all of a sudden just being in the moment turns surrealistically magic.

This “where we’re going thing”, it has it’s time and place, just not now for me thank you.

To be – seems that is the vaccuum and it is the abhorred one and I am getting sucked into the vortex after I walk through the American chain stores that are moving up from the States.

Who buys this stuff?

And why?

All I needed today was Kleenex for my cold and for a cry I had earlier.

I just might surprise myself, and you.

And you know what, I’ve been struggling because none of this feels natural anymore?

Doing nothing, doing something, those things I do aren’t the person on the computer right now.

Everything has an orbit of some sort doesn’t it.  playing with time and memory and perception, I surround myself around the things that I feel should surround me.

Comfort and safety.

I can just be and see where that goes.

Hydrate, meditate, procrastinate, and bingo was his name, oh!

It’s just me, here, as is.

Doing nothing and if nothing makes me feel restless, then have some hot chocolate.

I know this road. I’m familiar with the trails. As my senses perform rather unwillingly, everything I see, taste, hear, touch, smell might be different, it might feel like what was or there before is gone.

Not the same as it was.

Change 2016. More bullshit than ever before but more flavours to choose from.

Do we have too many choices?

Just don’t build a pyramid out of the empty stack of Change 2016 cans, create a pathway, or a bomb shelter out of the empty space, the emptiness.

Home improvements into self-improvements.

Move to room and then room as I move.

Room to stay still.

Wait and see.

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be ready, I’ll never have it right.

It’s the illusion of reality and the reality of our illusions and a millilitre of showing up that is all I can do.

So this is where I start.  The infinite possibilities of the universe and how they can become Hot Wheels and Buzzy Buzzy Buzz Buzz and Glow Glob.

Or nothing.

Or everything.

The permutations of my thought’s mutations.

The combinatorics of the combinations, all the lockers I’ve lost or couldn’t unlock.

Just things.

Dented cans of soup.

Post cards.

Phone numbers, names I don’t remember.

Let’s pretend for a while that it is just me and all the tools I have to work with have been delivered and this is a place for me to explore.

Why do I feel like I have to fix it?

I don’t know what has to change or why?

Maybe this is my Tonka Toy Dump Truck that I haven’t uncovered and it’s going to create my level playing field.

So that’s where all the talk about infrastructure is about.

It’s a nice world to prevent a revolt.

Me, I should proofread this a few more times. Other than that. I am OK.

An even keel.

A sky of light and dark, a horizon of towers and crops.

All of us are somewhere in there.

No I don’t need my ducts cleaned and no I don’t know where I am or what I want. Just hot chocolate.

This isn’t prescription drugs, this is change.

And me.

Alone in it.

I heard somebody say “glow glob, glow, disco inferno”.

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7 thoughts on “New and Unchanged

  1. Hello Harlon,

    This piece was like one of those fruit trees they keep grafting new fruits onto. By the end it was a beautiful array of color and possibility– whatever that is…! I so love this writing style you have, which offers delightful observation and genuine humanity, while resting one arm out the Tonka Truck window. Wishing you a great ensemble of moments– a collage of meaning that somehow reveals Harlon. (Let’s drop the numbers and the metrics. The mind works in memory and imminence, hints of meaning and a dash of glory.)

    Peace
    Michael

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have figured out after all this time, that when I feel I am not being heard,(or if I am wearing a cape in many shades of invisibility )
    I pause and listen to the whispers of the wind….I seem to forget that when I draw within and shut the world out…sometimes I think its a mirror reflection, that it is me shutting everyone /everything out not me being shutout…(.its my spirit want to hear those whispers from the wind )
    interesting post….a thinking post 🙂 wish I had read it before I went for a walk

    there is nothing yuckier than Flat Canada Dry Ginger Ale 🙂

    Good post Thank you for the thoughts to think on…..
    Take Care…You Matter…

    maryrose

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do have an art for being unnoticed, just now I make those achey noises as I move from creep pose to brushing myself up and standing proud. 🙂 Thanks Isabel xo Harlon

      Like

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