I have been placing so many calls
letting everyone know what’s been going on in my life over the years.
I know I am not recollecting things in order
but just the way they come to my mind.
You see I really felt I needed to understand my past
and how it shaped me and then let it go.
I may have made mistakes
but I never made a bad decision
I had to make decision that were right at that time
and I have learned from that.
I’ve been making lots of calls
to all over the world
it seems I’ve been struggling.
I can feel it in the tightness in my neck
and the aches in my bones
and I have been trying to make sense of it all
by talking about it.
I realize there’s something going on, like my body is on alert,
I am feeling extremely anxious and it’s throwing me around.
I don’t expect answers to the calls that I make
I guess I am really calling on myself
and making sure that I pick up
and am attentive to it all.
It’s about my Mother, you see, I can see she is not doing well
and I am worried because I don’t know what lies ahead
except things will only get worse
and accepting that it will only get worse
feels kind of harsh.
I realize how hard that will be.
I don’t want to see her suffer.
You see, I’ve been making these calls
because I want to be strong and present for this journey.
I’ve been calling because I think this might be the toughest
test in my life.
I’ve been placing calls
and in the directory of all of this
I have learned if I can relax I will get through this better
and it will be better for all
and then I will have a gift from her
the gift to learn to relax and to trust in myself
that I can carry with me through the rest of my life
and that’s why I made all those calls.
Thank you for taking this call.