Operator

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I have been placing so many calls

letting everyone know what’s been going on in my life over the years.

I know I am not recollecting things in order

but just the way they come to my mind.

You see I really felt I needed to understand my past

and how it shaped me and then let it go.

I may have made mistakes

but I never made a bad decision

I had to make decision that were right at that time

and I have learned from that.

I’ve been making lots of calls

to all over the world

it seems I’ve been struggling.

I can feel it in the tightness in my neck

and the aches in my bones

and I have been trying to make sense of it all

by talking about it.

I realize there’s something going on, like my body is on alert,

I am feeling extremely anxious and it’s throwing me around.

I don’t expect answers to the calls that I make

I guess I am really calling on myself

and making sure that I pick up

and am attentive to it all.

It’s about my Mother, you see, I can see she is not doing well

and I am worried because I don’t know what lies ahead

except things will only get worse

and accepting that it will only get worse

feels kind of harsh.

I realize how hard that will be.

I don’t want to see her suffer.

You see, I’ve been making these calls

because I want to be strong and present for this journey.

I’ve been calling because I think this might be the toughest

test in my life.

I’ve been placing calls

and in the directory of all of this

I have learned if I can relax I will get through this better

and it will be better for all

and then I will have a gift from her

the gift to learn to relax and to trust in myself

that I can carry with me through the rest of my life

and that’s why I made all those calls.

Thank you for taking this call.

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27 thoughts on “Operator

  1. Hi Harlon,
    I thought your article would be about all the calls to insurance, Doctors, Pharmacists, the DEA, etc., etc.
    I am new to your site but a fellow chronic pain person and enjoyed reading your piece. Yes. it takes a lot to open ourselves to our friends and family about what’s “really” going on with us.
    I often tend on the side of little to no communication about such as really, there is nothing to say or to be done.
    I always feel good though opening up to those who also share the journey, as long as, and I’m sure you and we all here can appreciate, it doesn’t spiral into negativity.
    It’s hard enough as it is and I find I am stronger if I can practice positivity.
    Certainly there are days….
    I tend to hibernate during the truly dark days.

    I am “launching” tomorrow my own chronic pain site and I hope it brings you some comfort if you check it out.
    Take good care!
    I’ll be following you ๐Ÿ˜‰

    With Love, the great healer,
    dawn

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah! My friend. I’m on the line if you need me. I can’t tell you exactly why I have.not responded to our collaboration…but after reading this I think maybe I do know…maybe this project should be delayed. There is so much going on…and I see just how much I’ve missed. I send my deepest love…and like I said…I am here!!! โ™ก

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Lorrie, yes, this one was a bit of a buzzkill for our collaboration. Winter seems to bring out the blue side of me so I’ve been writing about more difficult things, it’s a process that helps me find the rope that I can hold on to as I navigate these feelings. I don’t think we’ve seen the sun for two weeks now….bummer. Well, we both know, grey skies are going to clear up. Much love, Harlon

      Like

      1. Put on a happy face!! That’s me singing to you…and sending a beautiful day full of brilliant sunshine. Harlon, I am so like that…really think I suffered from SAD…and also get the blues in the winter.
        My new thing is sitting with the blues…or whatever it may be…and allowing it. I used to think I had to get out of it quickly…and spent so much time fighting it….I think it only prolonged my agony.
        Sending you love โ™กโ™ก

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Dear Lorrie, I am always amazed and touched by how my evolution is modeled by yourself. I know I have been writing about some difficult stuff lately, it’s my way of processing and my method of learning to cope and learn. What has really come to the forefront, whether I am feeling anxiety or whether I am feeling unwell, is to just be with it. It’s not as bad as I think it is going to be, I can find calmness in the storm and it is certainly much less work than fighting it. Ultimately, I think by allowing it to be, then new doors, new ways of being and thinking emerge. Hugs, Harlon

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Harlon you are doing the best thing rite now
    talking about it
    There no way to say what one
    Should or shouldn’t do
    Those boots of yours got to hit
    The ground there’s no other way
    But walk beside life
    And never ever hide
    You know where to find me
    The Sheldon Perspective
    (These words are for me as much as they mite help you)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you Harlon for your never ending insight and beautiful courageous reflections. Death isn’t something that happens to us, it’s something that we do and I glean from your many writings that there are countless deaths along the way. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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