Who am I trying to deceive?
I don’t think I am trying, I am just trying to find relief.
To get through every moment, from one to the next,
sometimes I have to disengage
and wake up when I wake up
feeling rested and ready to restart,
it seems I am better at figuring out what’s left
than what is gone.
I think there’s lots of things
that I am not thinking about
I know there are lots of things
that I am not talking about.
I’ve always made it through it,
I’ve always come out fine.
Things feel differently now
I don’t know if it’s the disease
or what’s going on in my mind.
I am afraid of dying, so I stay to myself
solitude is a safe place
where I can do no harm
but am I really living
is this being better off than dead.
I just want to escape
run away for awhile.
Not have to do dialysis
and go to the hospital all the time
and return and wake up feeling shitty
and it’s not all in my mind.
I want to unplug
and be free
to walk along the beach
and feel the sun and the breeze.
I want to have the energy to do what I want
do the fun things that I have always been good at discovering.
I have lost my appetite
I am not eating anymore
I am missing the zest
and the food for thought.
I am just hiding,
I am playing it safe
by doing no harm,
what am I doing to myself?