Who am I trying to deceive?

I don’t think I am trying, I am just trying to find relief.

To get through every moment, from one to the next,

sometimes I have to disengage

and wake up when I wake up

feeling rested and ready to restart,

it seems I am better at figuring out what’s left

than what is gone.

I think there’s lots of things

that I am not thinking about

I know there are lots of things

that I am not talking about.

I’ve always made it through it,

I’ve always come out fine.

Things feel differently now

I don’t know if it’s the disease

or what’s going on in my mind.

I am afraid of dying, so I stay to myself

solitude is a safe place

where I can do no harm

but am I really living

is this being better off than dead.

I just want to escape

run away for awhile.

Not have to do dialysis

and go to the hospital all the time

and return and wake up feeling shitty

and it’s not all in my mind.

I want to unplug

and be free

to walk along the beach

and feel the sun and the breeze.

I want to have the energy to do what I want

do the fun things that I have always been good at discovering.

I have lost my appetite

I am not eating anymore

I am missing the zest

and the food for thought.

I am just hiding,

I am playing it safe

by doing no harm,

what am I doing to myself?