Degrees of Difficulty

Now that I am home

I can’t sleep

I am in pain.

I am alone

with me being me

again.

Why should that be a hard thing?

Why wouldn’t I be kind and loving?

  • to myself.

It’s hard when you have no one else,

is it enough to just love yourself?

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41 thoughts on “Degrees of Difficulty

  1. I’ve been with and been without… I quite like life on my own. I’m not sure about loving myself though, that’s a much deeper question, but I like the peace I have, I didn’t have that while in a relationship, in my youthful years. I guess we are all very different in that way. I hope you find a better place, a kinder state of mind some time soon. Wishing all the best for you Harlon. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s interesting you should say this. As I write about being alone, I realize how much I cherish it and how much I need my own space. I guess there is the balance of at least being social and being engaged yet also being comfortable with yourself. I think I love myself, I just need to work on loving “loving myself”. Thank you for your great comment. Hugs, Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I put down some thoughts on that a while back here (https://tinyurl.com/mwnc6xw)โ€”tl;dr, I found a story that said to me in my own nerdy way that rather than loving others as yourself, your first goal should be to love yourself so as to better love others as yourself. Having divined this message, I can’t say that I’m there yet, but it’s still made a big difference to how I see my place in the greater scheme. Maybe you’ll find something worthwhile in it.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks for directing me to your story and I did find a lot worthwhile in it. A lot of my writing is just about the “getting there” and how that process unfolds (or doesn’t). I find writing really helps clear my thoughts, or challenge them or at the very least own them. P.S. I am a fan of your nerdy ways xo Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Practical tip that works for me: try sleeping in a sleeping bag. I did it for months (with the bag on top a duvet on the floor) when my cat was recovering from an accident and now I still do when I have trouble sleeping. Perhaps its similar to swaddling a baby to make it feel secure. I’m curious to know whether it will it work for anyone else.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hey Harlon, what’s up? Haven’t been spending much time here these days. I can truly understand how loneliness feels like. A thousand stabs on the heart all at once. Cheers! We’re together.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. “Is it enough to just love yourself?” I remember that question well. It didn’t always feel good to be “alone.” But I reminded myself it was better than being with someone who added too much stress to my life. It helped me to focus on friendship and the things I loved: nature, art, music, my dogs, and my relationship with the Creator who loves us no matter what. I accepted that it might end up just being me and my dogs.Some days it was okay, and some days it was really hard. But I believed that something wonderful was being worked out for me and it was! Sending hugs and blessings to you, Harlon. โค

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Harlon
    I’m still cleaning up the site, I sent a new invitation to join as a short cut. Your “About” page was restore however you’re not showing as a member, including no photo. I hope this cuts the time down considerably and we can stand tall with everyone represented. All previous post can tie into new invite.
    M

    Liked by 1 person

  7. To live is to suffer , and loneliness doubles it , when you have no one’s back it feels awful , life look scattered , take care harlon am with you , my life also is quite stressful these days if you wanna share some thoughts message me ~ take care

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Harlon

    It’s very difficult for people to love themselves, I wasn’t taught how. I was in my 40’s when that journey began and got sidetracked many times. I do love myself now and quite happily to be by myself. In your case, you had this huge life, everyday and adventure, very smart brain, damn good looking guy, traveling the world. You were young, this great career came early, flying high. Your flying high was cut short by a deadly illness, AIDS. I can’t begin to understand all the emotion you experienced. No doubt, depression, why me, on and on.

    Your a very strong man, you fought and kept fighting when others might have died. That in itself can bring some guilt. Your health was forever changed. Remission is the blessing in your life, it still leaves a cracked door.

    I think we could have so much fun together, acting crazy, talking to dawn and drinking coffee till noon. That’s the loving feels I pick up from you. When I’m able to travel we’ll talk about a visit. I know you are lonely, want to share love in your life and you have a vision of what “that” life will look like.

    Expand your mind, if we could have so much fun and become dear friends why couldn’t another women. Not a sleeping buddy, someone who loves you for who you are. Having a close friend brings joy back into your life, people around you can see joy, can see how you care for this woman but she’s not your lover. Stranger things have happened. When I was young hitting the bar scene with my friends, most of my friends were gay. We went to the coolest gay bars that are now legendary in Dallas. Hitting poppers on the floor, having a blast and not having to worry about a single guy hassling me. At the same time, the happiness of being with my friends showed in everything I did and how I talked. I had more offers from women than at any other time.

    Give yourself a break, lighten up, shift gears and let life come to you while you build a differ strategy. We don’t know our future. I have no doubt you will find someone who loves you and much as you love them.

    You never know what tomorrow brings.

    Huge Hugs
    M

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for that cushionny comforting comment. It was perfectly time and made a difference. YOU are the best ( and apparently cushionny is not word, but it should be!) ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

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