There is a whole map of my future that I haven’t spent much time studying, nor have I spent much time on seeing how accurate it really is. Perhaps now is a good time to discover some more things that are true.

That map suggests that if I follow the route of finding paid work and being in a loving relationship that I am much more likely to achieve my destination; joy and happiness.

That map, is a map of the future and I am still living on the map on the page before.  This is not Alaska, I am living in Alabama!

On the map of the page that is my present location, as much as I fear neglect and losing hope, it seems that the public transport system makes those destinations incredibly accessible.

If you look in the table of contents, you don’t even see happiness listed there. You’d think it would be the capital city or at least it would be a hub for something. I asked around, happiness isn’t on the map because it’s an inner state of being.

What is this strange hesitancy or fear or apathy I sometimes feel? It stops me from looking inside myself, to try to understand and identify the true essence of joy and sadness, love and hate.

What is that feeling? Maybe I just don’t want to look inside because I’m afraid that my core is living in a bad neighbourhood and I won’t like what I see there.

What about all the ways that I am being? What about all the things that I am doing to show that I care, the hard work it sometimes takes just to show up? Why does it feel sometimes that I have to try so hard?

Suffering. What is that?

Although my reservoir of hope sometime feels like it is being depleted, I know that I am spending more time trying to fix the leak rather than fill it right back up.

If I feel safe, I perform better. I know that much about myself. I have the ability to decide what I include in my life; the concept of safety stays.

I think what’s important is that I relax, that I be myself, that I practice the little tricks I practice so I can snare myself and be transport by helicopter back to, “everything is fine just the way it is” or maybe that is how I move from here to the next state and I do that by living and cultivating happiness.

It also helps me to understand that happiness lives in the shadows as well.

And then believing that.

What are those states? Are they just a series of moments and the route that I travel is that of the never-ending construction of my self.