I have been placing so many calls

letting everyone know what’s been going on in my life over the years.

I know I am not recollecting things in order

but just the way they come to my mind.

You see I really felt I needed to understand my past

and how it shaped me and then let it go.

I may have made mistakes

but I never made a bad decision

I had to make decision that were right at that time

and I have learned from that.

I’ve been making lots of calls

to all over the world

it seems I’ve been struggling.

I can feel it in the tightness in my neck

and the aches in my bones

and I have been trying to make sense of it all

by talking about it.

I realize there’s something going on, like my body is on alert,

I am feeling extremely anxious and it’s throwing me around.

I don’t expect answers to the calls that I make

I guess I am really calling on myself

and making sure that I pick up

and am attentive to it all.

It’s about my Mother, you see, I can see she is not doing well

and I am worried because I don’t know what lies ahead

except things will only get worse

and accepting that it will only get worse

feels kind of harsh.

I realize how hard that will be.

I don’t want to see her suffer.

You see, I’ve been making these calls

because I want to be strong and present for this journey.

I’ve been calling because I think this might be the toughest

test in my life.

I’ve been placing calls

and in the directory of all of this

I have learned if I can relax I will get through this better

and it will be better for all

and then I will have a gift from her

the gift to learn to relax and to trust in myself

that I can carry with me through the rest of my life

and that’s why I made all those calls.

Thank you for taking this call.