Shit Storm

My mother was being extremely difficult this morning.

As hard as I was trying to reassure her, she was fighting me,

every word I said.

She is anxious and scared and has every right to be.

So do I.

My friends are all saying take care of yourself

and hope that I am finding the support I need.

I would give myself a B+ at taking care of myself

and I have no fucking clue what it means when people say

“I hope you are finding the support you need.”

Caregiving is difficult, especially when you are not just

visiting and caring

but actually living the experience with them,

actually giving care 24/7.

It doesn’t even feel like caregiving sometimes.

It feels like I am just watching her decompose.

I wish someone asked me what do I need?

What could someone do to actually help me out on a practical level?

What might make things a bit easier for me?

But they don’t.

Because they don’t know what it’s like to actually BE HERE.

It’s probably better off for everyone if they didn’t.

I want to be good at this, and everyone to feel fine with this,

everyone but me.