Stop Fucking With My Phases

falsestart

It’s starting to feel like I live a life of converting life-disrupting experiences into “the best thing that ever happened to me”. It’s a process that, at times, happens organically, as if my theme song is a medley of my greatest hits.  Other times, I needs a little self-guidance along with self-discipline. Maybe my theme song just needs a good remix.

Sometimes, life, this life, makes it challenging. Sometimes I ask for help. Most times I don’t get it. Then I start to wonder, why am I not getting it.

As I move towards a fuller understanding that my life isn’t about pain but rather about healing, I get stopped, pulled over and questioned.

What is happening?

What’s not happening?

How serious is this?

How much time do I have?

Do I need to do anything?

What are others doing?

What are they not doing and why not?

Where do I fit into the scene?

Do I need to fit in?

How do people react to me?

What are my feelings?

What are theirs?

How do I appear in their eyes?

What are others not noticing?

And why?

How do I appear in my own eyes?

What am I missing?

If this isn’t killing me, is it making me stronger?

Sometimes you get in my way.

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