Forecasting

forecasting

At this moment, I am calm and comfortable.  I feel safe and I feel that things are OK and will be OK. Those moments of pure surrealism, in my room at night, that is the feeling of being in the safest place in the world.  It doesn’t matter so much how everything else feels. This isn’t time for evaluation.

My life is just super real.

I apologize for my behaviour lately and how erratic I must seem because I am variable when it comes to being OK with just being OK.

I think it’s going to take a bit of time for me as I explore kinder ways of thinking and feeling. Kinder to me. Then things will settle.

Some shit is inadvertently going to get stirred.

I doubt it will make it to the fan.

I am sorry that the pain is getting the better of me and I am hinting at it, talking around it, but not talking about it. That is because I don’t really understand how pain works inside of me. Why it appears suddenly and how intense it can get. I have the MRI results and they explain biomedically why my body would be experiencing pain but I can’t help but think that my mind is involved with this somehow and making things worse by just getting in the way

Sometimes I feel what I think it feels like to be manic and sometimes that overwhelms me.

One day soon the shit storm will end.

I think it would be good for me to remind myself that things may feel weird at times. Things will just get weird and then they’ll stop.

Being hard on myself can creep in, so I am trying to keep my eye out on that. There’s no point in me thinking about progress, this is about more.

It’s about settling my craft, not hitting rock bottom, and landing on middle ground.

As I let go, how much of me are you picking up?

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23 thoughts on “Forecasting

    1. Thanks – and your trip to New Zealand sounded wonderful. Welcome home! I am not sure that pain, or that all types of pain can be beaten, I think the best I can hope for is a happy medium where the pain is not beating me. Some things help and other times, I simply have to be in the pain and mindfully explore that it’s a feeling it’s not everything that I am. Love, Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hello my friend! I’m sorry that the “growing” pains seem to be a part of the process that gets us through all the falsehoods…all the lies and made up stories…and I KNOW how much it can hurt. But like others have stated here and what I know from my own experience is that while it can be totally disabling…it IS temporary. And honestly, Harlon…when I look back at some of the most painful times…and I am talking emotional as well as physical pain…I can see how my reluctance to FEEL it only made it stronger. What we fight, we strengthen.
    I am here for you ALWAYS…I love you and I send you beautiful healing energy. Be with it my friend…it can teach us so much. ♡♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lorrie, I know in my heart of hearts that his is temporary and it is something, some sort of barrier or obstacle, that has presented itself and it manifesting itself as pain, but it is something to get through, not a place to stay. With loving-kindness and self-compassion, I can explore the pain, as an observer, and then be the witness as it goes away and I become stronger. By sharing this experience, and by the loving responses that support me, then the healing process seems less overwhelming. Thank you for your beautiful healing energy, does it come in economical refill size? 🙂 Much love, Harlon

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      1. There you go my friend! The reason that I always know you will “go through” your obstacles and come out the other end is because of your sense of humor 🙂 And to answer…I think there is an abundance of the beautiful healing energy…an endless supply!! And it is free…though there is a cost if we don’t fill our tanks with self-love ♡♡

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Harlon,

    I liked what you said about having the MRI and not believing it is the whole story– not believing your mind isn’t somehow involved. I also like what Mary wrote about not using that as a weapon. I think the sweet spot in the middle is where you recognize the mind is involved somehow, and in ways you may not always understand, and that what we call a mind is but a glimpse of a mighty and interconnected life, and that if these things are true, then doors can open. Will open. Movement will come. Knowing the mind is powerful, and that grace is all we need– that’s like peanut butter and jelly. But pain of course clouds our feelings, our perceptions, and I know it can be like a real heavy weight. And I think we have to work with what we are given, too. There may not be magic wands, but there are friends, and there are healing insights that come to us. Enjoy some Zootopia, my friend!

    Peace
    Michael

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  3. My mind is flooded by what you’ve written, Harlon, in a good way. First of all, you don’t need to apologize unless it’s helpful for you to do so. When I’ve read your recent posts, I’ve felt concerned, but also know that you need to write these things to process what’s going won with you, and I’m excited that you’ve gotten to these insights here. Sometimes we make our pain worse by worrying and fretting over it, but that’s what we do as humans. When we observe that is happening, we can choose to let go, use meditation, positive distraction, or whatever, but sometimes we just have to feel it. I like what you wrote about settling your craft. There will always be waves, some big and some small. Storms will come and go, but we can ride them out and enjoy the calmer seas. I love the photo, too! Peace and hugs!

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    1. Thank you Joanna, I am taking a course on mindfulness and I know there are other things I can do, mainly being kind to myself, some things I may not be able to control. There was a comment made in class today, when experiencing a moment of truth that is difficult, explore it further. By deepeening the intimacy with my emotions, by exploring things further, then I feel I have some control and I am not closing myself to the rest of the wonder of the world. I am delighted you liked the photo, I always have fun picking those out. Fun, always leave room for that. Peace and hugs in return. Harlon

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      1. Mindfulness can be a very helpful way to cope with feelings. It reminds me of stepping back mentally to get a fuller perspective, to observe so we can explore without getting overwhelmed. I’m so glad you are taking this class!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a journey, albeit not an easy one, but it is not static. Things will change, maybe slowly and slowier than you would like them too, but like the seasons of the year, this season of your life shall pass too. We are promised Scripturally only the strength we need for each day so don’t use your day’s strength dwelling in the past or worrying about the future and it will be enough for each day. I lift you up now in the name of Christ Jesus and ask for healing and wisdom as you walk this road before you. Blessings, Natalie 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you Natalie, I agree that the feelings and emotions I have will change. As I move forward, I will find things that work, it’s perspective will change and I will enjoy the blessing of good days and self-compassion. Blessings to you also, Harlon

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  5. Pain sucks. There are certainly meditations to do around pain and being with it, to ease it a little bit but really….please don’t blame yourself for any pain you are in. Yes, sometimes the mind can play a role and get in the way a little, but…I really hope you won’t use any spiritual concepts as a weapon against yourself. Tools sometimes yes, but not weapons. Nobody knows what pain is like until they are in it. No blame. We all want the best for you Harlon.
    Peace, Love and Healing
    Mary

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks Mary, I am actually taking a research course on Mindfulness and I know there is evidence that it helps some people. That’s where I am, just trying to figure it out – and integrate it into my being. The first part of this journey is bumpy, but I’ve been really touched my the response to the posting. I will get there – the blog will capture the foibles and the journey. Laughter. Coming soon to a blog near you. Love, Harlon

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      1. Maybe there is no place to get to. Maybe we are all already perfect and that’s where the integration comes in. Ha haha. Laughter for me is the best medicine around. I love a good belly laugh, and always feel cleansed somehow from it. Or relieved or something. Relaxed. Juiced up on endorphins.
        I really like what JoAnna said, and what you said back.
        I hope you have a wonderful day today – maybe get a good laugh in.
        Love,
        Mary

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        1. Now you’ve induced a chuckle, and you know what,you are probably bang on – whatever it is I am trying to be, I am more than that, I am the me that became the me that I am. I think I’ll watch Zootopia tonight and giggle like a good. When things make you feel good, well, then I am not thinking about “things” so much. Thanks, Mary – oh wait, that makes it sound like I am Mary. Oh dear, look what you’ve started. Harlon

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    1. Thanks, those words make a difference. Sharing it, gets it out of my mind and it becomes less of a beast and more of an unwelcome visitor. Thank you for your company along the way. Peace, Harlon

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