At this moment, I am calm and comfortable. I feel safe and I feel that things are OK and will be OK. Those moments of pure surrealism, in my room at night, that is the feeling of being in the safest place in the world. It doesn’t matter so much how everything else feels. This isn’t time for evaluation.
My life is just super real.
I apologize for my behaviour lately and how erratic I must seem because I am variable when it comes to being OK with just being OK.
I think it’s going to take a bit of time for me as I explore kinder ways of thinking and feeling. Kinder to me. Then things will settle.
Some shit is inadvertently going to get stirred.
I doubt it will make it to the fan.
I am sorry that the pain is getting the better of me and I am hinting at it, talking around it, but not talking about it. That is because I don’t really understand how pain works inside of me. Why it appears suddenly and how intense it can get. I have the MRI results and they explain biomedically why my body would be experiencing pain but I can’t help but think that my mind is involved with this somehow and making things worse by just getting in the way
Sometimes I feel what I think it feels like to be manic and sometimes that overwhelms me.
One day soon the shit storm will end.
I think it would be good for me to remind myself that things may feel weird at times. Things will just get weird and then they’ll stop.
Being hard on myself can creep in, so I am trying to keep my eye out on that. There’s no point in me thinking about progress, this is about more.
It’s about settling my craft, not hitting rock bottom, and landing on middle ground.
As I let go, how much of me are you picking up?