I Don’t Want To Be Right

Posted on by Harlon

WrongOften, I feel that I am doing all of this all alone. Caring for me, caring for my Mom, getting through today, getting through the night and then the next day; checking in and I feel this feeling most when I check out; alone.

I know myself well enough to know that it can be helpful when I am fully aware of how I am feeling in the present moment. That is my cue to explore deeper feelings.

Now isn’t the time for this, but here I go anyway because I think if I let this stuff out, well, I am, letting it go as well.

Am I alone (singe, unloved, call it what you like) 51 years into my life, because I haven’t found someone who loves me; because I just wasn’t worth it to anyone?

Have I failed? Have I failed at finding someone on this planet that loves me?

I look back and think of my stupid actions, my stupid decisions. I look back and know that I missed the target because I was/I am distracted and scared.

I could/should have done things differently, but everything was always different for me, with the way life played its card, so I never learned, was never mentored, on how to play my cards right back to what I was dealt.

The hunter gets captured by the game.

Sometimes I was charming, sometimes I was an asshole.

I have lived a full life. I have lived strong and hard. I have traveled, just as much inwards as I have around the globe.

I wish I could say “I have no regrets.”

I can’t.

I have many.

And I am all alone. Alone in them. Alone in my memories, alone in my experiences, alone when I put myself into the future.

And now, just by saying this, sharing how I feel about this lets me know that what is happening in my life can change.

I can change.

What I feel in the moment is not what I feel in every moment, but in this moment, I feel it. It’s just one of those things.

Lonely.

But that can be where change happens.

46 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Be Right”

  1. The best thing about this post is that you exactly know what you feel and you accept the fact that you are feeling lonely at that moment.
    The feeling is crystal clear in your heart maybe because you are old enough to understand it.
    With your age you do know that changes will happen, this loneliness of yours will fade away and a brighter sun will shine on you.
    Nicely written, loved the post.

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  2. it is better to be Alone than be surrounded by people that still make you feel lonely. I hope you find that 1 person that makes everything seem joyful! The real happiness resides in ones heart 🙂 May you always be your best company!

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    • Wonderfully well said. And I agree, I do love myself, I love spending time with myself. I suppose I am at that point where I am open to sharing it with someone – and there are different ways of doing it, yet I agree, the most powerful love I can have is for myself. Thanks, Harlon

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  5. I hate that you feel lonely…but I get it. I’ve been there and I know how desolate a place it is. I wish I could tell you some way to work out of it…but I think that is such a personal experience that we all have to do that work ourselves. I will tell you that I think you are one of the best humans I know…and I love your spirit! I also know that there is a soul mate who is waiting for you to be ready 😉 Blessitude my dear friend…I’m certain you already feel better as I am late reading this…but thank you for bearing your soul for us to see ♡♡

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    • And yes, I do feel better after writing this. It’s just what I do – confront the difficult, bring it to the light and then it is manageable – it sometimes becomes something different. Yes, am I ready to love…..probably not yet, and this is part of my work, and love can come in many forms. I guess I’ve just felt a bit discombobulated lately about the future and what it looks like to me. A soul mate would be nice. Or a dog 🙂 xoxo Harlon

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      • Ah! Harlon! And don’t forget a soul mate can BE a dog 😉 !!! The first 7 years of my life the only friends I had were animals…and my little Mister is truly the brightest light in my life…such a good little buddy. I know that contemplating the future can be a bit scary but I will offer one tiny piece of advice here…don’t forget that YOU have input into what that future will look like!! In the scariest times of my life I think I always had a certain faith that things would work out, but I did not have the sure knowledge that I had anything to do with it!!
        I send you lots of love and I know you are on the path to the beautiful life you desire. Thank you for always being there for me and for holding a mirror for me to see myself!! ♡♡♡

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    • Dear Morgan, although it saddens me that you also feel that way, I think sometimes it is good to let these emotions out because they are real and people don’t like to hear about it. You are a beautiful passionate writer and I expect you are the same as a person too. Sending you blessing and love, Harlon

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  9. It can be easy for me to say, wish you find someone soon and be loved or wish you come out of this loneliness soon or enjoy being single. Trust me Harlon, this too shall pass if thus loneliness hurts.

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    • Hello Ve, thanks for your supportive words. I mentioned in a few of my comments that just writing about it helps, getting out of my mind and into a fresher perspective and perhaps new horizons. And, you used my favourite line “this too shall pass”. Again, thank you for your kindness. Harlon

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  11. First of all, you are deeply and profoundly loved. I had to learn that after my divorce. I had to learn to love myself again. It took about ten years.I focused on friendship and nurturing myself and enjoying the company of my dogs. I decided to accept that I might be single/solo/celibate for the rest of my life, even though that was not what I wanted. I turned this over to my Creator. After I did all that, my soulmate, the one who was and is the best fit for me, found me when I was 55 years old. It’s never too late. Things can and do change. I love how, in spite of your pain and loneliness, you are hopeful. Big HUGS to you, dear Harlon. ❤

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    • Dear JoAnna, your response was particularly powerful to me – and that’s what you do so well, and that is what we as humans can do for each other. Admit our fears. Share our stories, and inspire and that is what you have done in a way that has touched my soul so deeply. I love you for your compassionate, empathetic, and curious spirit. Your big HUGS are the best! Harlon

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    • Well, I can say that I think I can empathize with what you are feeling…it’s not my favourite state to be in – and I’d like to think I can move out of it, if I look at things a bit differently or realize that I am feeling a bit vulnerable so thinking about loneliness now isn’t going to work out well for me. I hope that this pic and this post is not you tomorrow. Peace, Harlon

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  16. This resonates with me as I take care of my brother Stephen who has Autism, work a job that consumes most of my life so I really don’t have time to date or establish relationships. I can’t say I’m unhappy being single. After being in an abusive domestic violence relationship for 7 years that was enough for me. Being single frees me to be me and once I retire I get my entire life back and I hope to move forward into the future.

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    • Thank you for that great comment, my happiness doesn’t rely on someone else – there are so many ways to find love that in the traditional forms of relationships – and sometimes being alone has it’s advantages. And sometimes it’s natural to get the blues. I would love to celebrate with you someday when we both have our lives back to where we want them to be and then to move forward to the future with hope and courage. Much love, Harlon

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  17. It took me about that long to find someone
    I’m 62 been married 15 yrs with a beautiful 10 year old
    It’s never to late
    Keep that hope in your heart
    and never ever stop looking
    It’s what keeps you going
    Hang in there my friend
    There is a lid for every pot
    Don’t you know
    As always Sheldon

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    • Thanks – and I know it will, I guess I had a bit of the blues when I posted this – but I think it’s good to feel the emotions we are feeling – because often that can motivate us or it can lead to me realizing what I am feeling may be something different. Thanks for the support. Harlon Hugs! coming your way.

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  20. profound questions, I’m not sure anyone can answer
    we are all alone, alone and lonely are different
    you won’t find happiness in another person, it’s not there, its inside of you

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    • I agree Les, I think the most important thing is to be happy with yourself – and this is my quandry. I am happy with myself, however, I’ve been without a true love in my life, so there is a hunger to share my life with someone – and how that manifests itself – relationships can take many forms – and I can nurture those. This posting was about that feeling that nobody knows what I am doing – it feels a bit heavy that I am doing it all alone. Love, Harlon

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  21. Thanks David, those are very kind words and they mean a lot to me. I have a feeling that it’s true what they say about love – that it happens when you least expect it. So I guess that means I am in for a surprise 🙂 Hugs, Harlon

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  22. I hate the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being alone. Since I wouldn’t wish t on anyone, I hope this period will soon be over for you Harlon and you find that ‘special someone’ worthy of your love. May you find much happiness in the near future.
    Hugs

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