Often, I feel that I am doing all of this all alone. Caring for me, caring for my Mom, getting through today, getting through the night and then the next day; checking in and I feel this feeling most when I check out; alone.
I know myself well enough to know that it can be helpful when I am fully aware of how I am feeling in the present moment. That is my cue to explore deeper feelings.
Now isn’t the time for this, but here I go anyway because I think if I let this stuff out, well, I am, letting it go as well.
Am I alone (singe, unloved, call it what you like) 51 years into my life, because I haven’t found someone who loves me; because I just wasn’t worth it to anyone?
Have I failed? Have I failed at finding someone on this planet that loves me?
I look back and think of my stupid actions, my stupid decisions. I look back and know that I missed the target because I was/I am distracted and scared.
I could/should have done things differently, but everything was always different for me, with the way life played its card, so I never learned, was never mentored, on how to play my cards right back to what I was dealt.
The hunter gets captured by the game.
Sometimes I was charming, sometimes I was an asshole.
I have lived a full life. I have lived strong and hard. I have traveled, just as much inwards as I have around the globe.
I wish I could say “I have no regrets.”
I have many.
And I am all alone. Alone in them. Alone in my memories, alone in my experiences, alone when I put myself into the future.
And now, just by saying this, sharing how I feel about this lets me know that what is happening in my life can change.
I can change.
What I feel in the moment is not what I feel in every moment, but in this moment, I feel it. It’s just one of those things.
But that can be where change happens.