This Is My Brain On Change


This is what it looks like.

I’m in a dark room standing in front of a door that is ajar.

On the other side of the door is light and it is beaming through that sliver opening into the darkness where I stand in this moment.

My hands are at my side. The door remains slightly ajar.

This is what if feels like.

It feels like my mind is spinning because there is so much I have to do.

Forgive myself. Love myself. Take care of myself.

Things. Things to do.

Leave the bad parts of the past behind.

It feels like every moment is a choice.

This is what I know.

This is change and this is what change feels like.

I’m overthinking this.

I have the life skills to handle any obstacle that gets in my way.

I need to get myself as healthy as I can.

All I have to do is relax and open the door and move through the threshold and walk into the light.

This is what I don’t know, at least in this moment.

I don’t believe in myself.

This is what I am going to do.

I can.


I will.

34 thoughts on “This Is My Brain On Change

    • We do. I’ve got a whole list of silly reasons why we haven’t. We will catch up in real time and we will have much to talk. Your time zone is also much more user friendly. xo Harlon


  1. Hi Harlon,

    When I read this piece I felt a resonance with moments I’ve had where, on the one hand it seemed the stack of work orders I needed to complete in order to get to where I needed to go (out of this moment of difficulty) was more than I could handle, and on the other hand, where one’s proximity to grace was acutely felt. There is this conundrum we face over and over I think, until we somehow, through some miracle or another, make the transition fully– and that conundrum is this paradox that keeps our stack of problems disconnected from the most powerful solution. We just can’t fathom how the moment of grace and the stack of work orders relate to one another, but there is a way in which they do. That way is named Harlon. Harlon is the mystery capable of bringing these two together, as each one of us is. As one partially healed bringer-together to another, wishing you much success in being who only you can be, and healing this rift we all feel and carry.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello my dear friend! I’ve been missing you and was so happy to find your post here right now. I know how strong you are and I love that you show us the WHOLE journey…because sometimes the journey gets hard…and we become so vulnerable. It would be easy to ignore the tough times. But I am a firm believer that the hard times comes with very specific learning…learning that just could not happen any other way. So I say…I KNOW YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO! And not only do it…but prosper in it!!! Much love my friend โ™กโ™ก

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Harlon
    I’ve bought about you many times, being it’s hell to keep up. You have been thru so many battles by yourself and you think every issue is one you can handle. Sometimes we can’t. I’ve picked up from the name of your post you were hurting….I didn’t know you were stuck. I’ve been there many times, battling mental illness is a everyday job. You know all about taking care of yourself in difficult and very serious situations. This might be the right time you reach out. You sound frustrated and depressed. Working hard to fix our bodies is very different than fixing our brains. We aren’t capable of doing that, we can mange and point for a direction, sometimes it goes off the tracks, I’m here if you need an ear to listen,
    Take care, I know how mentally strong you are, put those skills to work on getting healthy. You mentioned that and I was surprised. I think of the world traveler who to a pit stop to fight for his life, won the battle and moved forward. I a confident you will move forward again.
    Be gentle on yourself

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Melinda, I am so touched by the sincerity of your comment and the wisdom that lies within. I think you nailed it by suggesting that I reach out and that I be gentle with myself. I have been exploring mindfulness and it has been providing clarity, blogging helps as well because writing has always been good therapy and it also creates connections and moments like the one we are having now and that HELPS. I do see a psychotherapist and I do feel hopeful. For me, part of blogging was to not just write about the moments where I feel hopeful but to be candid about where I struggle. On a very practical level, a lot will change in my life in the next while and I at least feel empowered now to know that change just can make me feel weird whereas before I felt weird but didn’t know why. Ultimately, yes, the best thing to do is to relax, and take things as moments rather than big chunks and that is where I can find a better peace of mind. Thank you so much Melinda. xoxo Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

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