If it was easy. I probably wouldn’t like it. Sometimes it seems so challenging, that I want to just walk away and not admit it. Not feel it, but I don’t because it’s not easy.
Sometimes it seems so unrelenting and then that’s when I dig in deep and I start to create some movement. I admit it. I like it when I feel it.
Before I do that, I spend a lot of time staring out into space.
I hate the feeling of fighting “IT”.
I feel hopeful, but that really depends on the weather.
The winter has been grey and I miss the nature, that’s just my nature. I would do better if I lived in warmer weather.
I feel hopeless, because I don’t think things are going to get any better, although they say the only constant is change.
I get restless because I know that I know these things, I just sometimes don’t think them.
My friends have given up on me, I guess I am frustrating.
I am now a lost cause to them.
Too bad, because I am just searching, being me needs to have some meaning and it would be easier if I had a search crew who would support it, help me unbury it.
I am sensing judgment. I dislike that nonsense.
Being in the moment, can be so overwhelming. It feels like I am in a good place or there is no where for me to feel belonging, me and my belongings, feeling like there is nowhere for me to belong. I feel the longing, the need to be belonging.
I stretch out those moments, they become macro-reflections.
I wonder now, no matter how I slice it, they are all just self-deceptions.
The only way I suppose to can change things is for me to settle on something.
And then get going.
I have a problem with focusing.
That is where I am now, a sort of neither here nor there.
I sometimes feel hopeful and other times hopeless.
My reality is static, I go from healthy to feeling unwell.
I go from wounded to being very social. Unwound to wound up to feeling normal.
The future goes from limitless skies to storms and thunderclouds, there is no in-between, no 50% chance of showers.
The safest place for me to be, although I don’t always know it and the best move for me, although I cannot always find it, is to take the ups and downs, the swinging all around, and take a deep breath and let it go and land, somewhere in the middle of it all, on my terms and on my solid ground.