Paying The Price

My first mistake was when I thought of things, I knew there were alternative things and I thought of them also. I wanted them both, so I explored them all. I guess my flaw was I was never good at settling.

My only excuse is that I just never knew better.  No one told me.  People just let me. Everyone trusted that I would figure it all out and be OK, but I didn’t and I am not.



16 thoughts on “Paying The Price

  1. Sending love wrapped in a giant hug, and knowing that you KNOW all you need to know…inside. And knowing that you need to go through all the things you need to go through…because that helps us to know better for the next step. I’ve missed you, my friend. I know that you are exploring life in a semi-cautious manner…and that is okay too! We don’t always find out WHY some things happen, but I think there is comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason.
    Many blessings to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Harlon. Shit, man, I’ve been away for a while and just checked in and see you’ve been hit hard these past few weeks, months, whatever. My heart goes out to you. This will sound morbid, but there are some nights I lay in bed and imagine the house without the person I love in it with me. Sometimes I think of dying. I think it relates to the deep knowledge we have that things change, and are impermanent. it’s like wondering if I’ll be ready if and when the time comes. Do I have the strength for it.

    There’s an abiding pain somewhere in the human psyche about the condition in which we find ourselves. We keep it out of the way most of the time, or try to, because when it punctures the facade it can be crippling. I’ve only ever known to look life in the eye and admit to every possibility. And I think you do this, too. To an outside reader there is tremendous strength in your sharing. I look at your seizure, your mother’s knowing, her subsequent dying, the changes that came… it’s like a knot of Love, of ropes three feet thick that grew out of time itself. A giant of giants couldn’t untie that knot. You see a timeless quaking in the story you’ve shared–seismic events of the heart that caused even the flesh to buckle. A knowing no one possessed, but they did…

    And now, from the darkness, light. The wave of fear recedes from the shore. This breath is available to you. You see the resources that you have. The day breaks anew. You can live even through this! It’s amazing, Harlon. You are amazing. And still, we’re strongest together.

    Thinking of you with Love,

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you Michael, and to all the other people who have commented or found ways of showing support and sharing their wisdom. Your words touched me deeply; to tears in fact. Maybe the step I skipped during all of this was implosion, yet somehow I think I built it into the process unknowingly. Things may fall apart, and things may come together again. They just do!
      The wisdom and insight and care of others, well that’s the sweet stuff.
      Thanks for helping me keep it all together.
      Your pal, Harlon

      Liked by 4 people

  3. Same Harlon! It’s hard for me to choose when there are two options. I’m afraid of making mistakes. But I also know that things always turn out how they are supposed to. Hugs my sweet Harlon!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Be grateful that you followed your own path, not knowing any better, not being told how to live your life, and that the people in your life allowed you to be. You have figured out as much as any other, you are more than OK. Believe it.

    Liked by 2 people

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