At times, in these times, I can feel overwhelmed. The last few months have been loss and illness and the next few months are change.
When I moved to the family house to be with my Mom, I was clear to myself that this was a chapter in my life. Things weren’t working out well for me in the city, so home is always a safe place to go, it always has been. I figured my Mother could use companionship (as would I) and I knew she would eventually need care (as would I). I knew the narrative and I knew how that chapter would end, and it did.
Now a new chapter begins. This chapter is about a new beginning, about exploring my passions and creating my “next”. It’s about my new life.
It just didn’t start the way I would have liked it. I am going into this chapter feeling weak and defeated. Vulnerable.
I feel afraid. Afraid that I can’t do it. I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I can’t do it. Sad. Sad because this is not how I thought starting all over again would be like.
For me, the move is not so simple as picking up my stuff and transplanting it into a new place. This move is about leaving my safe space; home – and creating a new space, perhaps not the ideal one. It’s more than just moving stuff. It’s moving myself, yet I don’t feel moved about it.
I wish all my stuff would disappear then reappear at my new address. It’s not that way. It feels like work with all the logistics, the packing and the purging. I feel like there are barriers although I know the only barrier is mine and that barrier is fear.
Change can be powerful, transformative but it can also be daunting and it can also be overwhelming. Change takes patience and it takes trust and those are two traits I feel I am lacking.
I know if I closed my eyes and opened them again in a month all of this would behind me and I’d be wondering why did I have so many restless sleeps, why did I waste so much time worrying.
Some things are easier said than done.
It’s hard to say goodbye to home. I am not just changing addresses, I am letting go of the space that was always safe for me and moving to a space, about which, I am uncertain.
Change is a funny thing. Change for the good. Change is about moving on. Change is about a new beginning. Change is uncertain.
My change, my move, will be all of those things but it will be other things as well. It will be very highly emotionally charged with grief and regret.
I am afraid I will never be strong again. I am afraid I will stagnate. I know better. What I am really afraid of is the uncertainty and as I spin myself in circles, I find myself saying to myself the only thing certain in life is change.
Some things are easier said than practiced.
Days will pass, I will get things done, the process is beginning and then the process will be done. I keep telling myself once you are settled in, you can create your new space, the space that is mine, and it will be comfortable and it will be my base camp.
It will become home.
Then my life will go from being on “pause” to “forward”. Think of all the things I can do. Think of all the places I can go.
I am currently living in the house that I was brought back to when I was born. Strangely, I am moving to an address that is exactly across the street from the hospital where I was born. Is that how far I have come in my life? Across the street.
I think in order to find myself, I am going to have to lose myself, and maybe it’s time.