A Sea of Emotions

Although it’s difficult to see or believe, I think that now may be a time of prosperity for me in some way.  I am experiencing some sort of windfall.  When I think of prosperity, I can think of it in different ways.  It would be great to win the lottery or have the Pick 6 at Aqueduct, but there is prosperity in relationships that are peaceful, that are supportive and caring.

So much of what I feel right now can depend on how I am feeling when I look at things or explore my feelings.  Sometimes, it’s just not a good time to do some serious thinking because my thoughts are slanted.  I am on a weird medication right now, and it’s creating false euphoria, mood swings, insomnia.  It’s not pretty, so now is definitely not a good time for me to be looking into any kind of mirror.

Some days I feel I am being just plain lazy and not doing anything.  However, what I need most for me to achieve future stability is being restful in the present.  Stability is a strange thing, contrary to itself, it is not always there, but I think that there is always a solid vibration of stability, and that is what I can do. I must remember that I have been through a lot and I am still convalescing; and I can trace this back to a period of extreme mental pressure. Now is a good time to gather my thoughts, reflect on what has been achieved and a enjoy a peaceful interlude, to connect to the vibration of stability.

As things change, they will appear as change but may feel like instability or they can also appear as escapism.  My choices are important or they could lead to depression, to me just going deeper and deeper into the waters before I don’t know what I want anymore, where I am anyway.

I will find peace in troubled times, that is often where it nests. There will a be a time soon for me when I can leave my worries and sorrows behind.

I have been so emerged in the role of caregiver that I forgot how to take care of myself. It’s time to take my caregiver spirit and turn it around so that it is facing me.

Rest through prosperity and solidarity, rest by stability, rest by trusting myself. This is a  journey and journeys can mark the end of a hard time. They can be restorative, they can create solidarity and stability.  They can be prosperous.


15 thoughts on “A Sea of Emotions

  1. “I will find peace in troubled times, that is often where it nests.” I love this because it is so true. My advoidance of issues kept me from finding peace for years. Once I faced things head on with authenticity I began finding peace. I’m still trying to figure it all out though. Thank you for sharing this. It’s a reminder that I always need to hear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I too am still trying to figure it out and I do struggle with the idea, but I am glad that sharing this thought is a reminder that can help you, it helps remind me too 🙂 Harlon

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  2. You certainly have been through a considerable amount. The change from being a care-giver is profound. For what it is worth, when my first wife died, leaving me with a 14 month old son, I took great comfort in doing what I could to take on her roles. May you find a direction.

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  3. There is so much I like about this post. It makes a lot of sense. I really like this part: “It’s time to take my caregiver spirit and turn it around so that it is facing me.” I think it was Buddha maybe who said, You as much as anyone deserve kindness and compassion. Or something like that. Take your time, Harlan, as you find your balance and all the lessons it has for you. Sending hugs of peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks JoAnna and thank you for the attention you give to my posts. I feel like I am learning a lot right now, it’s a period of change, but something that I think it paramount for me, and that you picked up on, is it is a time for self-compassion. It’s a good time to rest, to learn again how to take care of myself and maybe get to know myself a bit more – I think I became estranged from myself, so I am gently, or trying to be gentle, about moving through these times and being kind to myself. Hugs, Harlon

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  4. It’s one of the hardest changes to go from caregiver then back to your life. I suffered caregiver remorse which I believe many caregivers do. You are not the person you were before giving your time o another. What of the most important lessons I learned was how natural caregiving has, I same pain so deep I didn’t think I could go in their another day. I had to remind myself caressing is not about giving as much a possible to the dying. My bad ass side came out to, we have a few hillbillies who thought they would come back the next night to play dominos. I would loved to see the fire coming out of my eyes when I started setting visiting hours, how many could visit at and time. Gramps approved everything first, it was his right. He probably laughed so hard he cried at me bossing family around like a military general.
    You have a pure heart, a will to push thru the hardest times in life, getting up when the next rock is thrown at you. The rocks don’t stop but how the strong survive is the will to live, build your life now, paint the picture you want to see.
    I’m in the same place, I don’t know who I am or what I’m like, being housebound six years took everything. No I have to keep pushing, my husband and spend hours on my knees praying, thanking God for all he has given me and when I fell down the stairs last week breaking two arms and an orbital bone, I wasn’t angry I was blessed my neck or back could have been broken. That was conversation by my EMT’s. I knew it was possible but God had shown me a glimpse of my future which didn’t include either happening.
    You know how much I care for you and I’m not writing blah, blah, blah.
    You are on my mind all the time, praying for you, wondering which big step you will take next and the excitement of you finding YOU!
    Take my had, I’m here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I loved this comment and enjoy reading it over again and again. I love your caring nature and how you truly seem to understand what I am feeling, probably because we have felt a lot of the same things in our lives and we are both people, I think, that feel things. I also love your sense of humour and wit. I am grateful to have you around and will keep in touch and no those aren’t just words. Love, Harlon

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      • I don’t play fake friends, only real friend for me? That “something” happened to the first time we talked, we were on the same magic carpet ride.
        Push away people who tell you how long grieving takes or act like they’ve been there been yet have no clue. Your heart breaks, frustration builds on the inside as you care for your loved one. Beware of emotional suckers, prey on you because they can see your pain. You have to guard yourself, not close yourself down.

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