The Settling of Dust

As I look back through my life, the one thing I knew is that I didn’t always know better.  Yet, somehow, I learned what “better” was, often by trial and error, and somehow, I would end up better, if not worse for wear.

Here’s a story for you, it’s all true, or so I am told because I don’t remember a lot of it.  There’s a lot of magic in as well, even though it might at times feel like “too much”.

On May 29th., my Mother woke up at about 9am and found me in my room having seizures.  I don’t know what having seizures feels like or looks like, but by my Mom’s account, I looked like an alien.  She called emergency and I was rushed to the hospital.

That sounds scary to me, but here lies within the magic.  My Mother didn’t usually wake up until 11am, but that day she woke up early and found me.  I learned later that emergency was able to assess that I had been in the state of seizure for 40 minutes when I was discovered and apparently any seizure that lasts more than 5 minutes generally leads to permanent brain damage or death.  So why did my Mother get up early than normal; why did she find me; why did she save my life? It’s a miracle.

Well I think that’s because what Mother’s do.  I think at some instinctive level, she received the message that her son was in distress, and listened to that message and got up – and she saved my life.  She gave me life and she has been saving my life ever since.

Throughout an experience that really does feel like “too much” there within lie many miracles.  The miracle that my Mother saved me.  Once I got to the hospital, I was in rough shape and was unconscious.  I was put on life support and remained in Intensive Care and on life support for 6 days.

Thanks to the wonders of modern science, the medical team was able to ascertain that I had experienced acute Kidney failure as well.  From what I understand, and of course these are just numbers, but when a person experiences acute kidney failure, 80% of the time, it leads to death.  I didn’t die.  Again, I beat the odds. Here lies within another miracle.

And while we are talking about miracles, I would like to acknowledge how miracles happen because family, friends and Science support you, through love and through knowledge.

We live in a world of miracles, and although it’s easy for me to stare off into space and think of how rough things are, I can just as easily stare off into space and think about miracles.

Why do I keep beating the odds?  I do it again and again, over and over.  Is it divine intervention?  Is it because I am here for a reason?

What is my reason?

What is my purpose?

So the story continues.  I spent a couple weeks in the hospital and dug into some serious inner strength to convince the medical staff that I was fine to be discharged, which I was with the notes “patient should require a few weeks of dialysis and return to normal, the prognosis is good”.

I worked so hard to get out of the hospital.  I hated being there.  I couldn’t sleep and the food was awful.  Isn’t it funny that the two things we need to get better, sleep and nutrition are so lacking in the hospital environment, nevertheless I found the strength to show them that I had it all together do I was discharged.

That’s what I did, I pulled it all together so I could get out of the hospital, so I could be at home, so I could get a decent sleep, so I wouldn’t be constantly poked with needles, so I can eat food that tasted like actual food.  Truth be home, I wanted to be home so I could see my Mom.

When I got home, I quickly learned that whatever wellness I presented at the hospital was a charade.   I can barely remember the first few weeks, but I do remember that I weighted 132lbs (and I am 6 feet tall) so I was skinny and weak.  I kept falling and was covered in scraped and bruises.  I was having a hard time adjusting to the new meds so I had a lot of “accidents” for lack of a better word, or maybe a better word is GI problems, that’s two words of course.  There, I just demonstrated my cognitive functions are returning to normal.  I think this is where people type “LOL”.  I did, however have huge issues with my psyche.  I don’t know if it was the disease, the dialysis or the meds or just plain stress (I find in most cases, the answer to this dilemma is “all of the above”), but I was sleeping endlessly, losing tracks of days, not knowing if it was 6am or 6pm.  I missed dialysis appointments.  I sometimes didn’t know who I was or where I was, or if, I even just “was”.

Then my Mother died.

It all began to feel like too much, and it was.

So I was on dialysis for a couple of weeks, and now it’s been four months.  My kidney’s are not returning to normal functions.  Something is broken, and my best friend, my Mother, the one person that knows me best and loves me unconditionally is gone.

I am broken.

I am getting a biopsy done tomorrow and hopefully it will provide information on what happened and what might or will happen with my kidneys, but I’ve noticed the words transplant and lifelong dialysis or being thrown around.

It’s amazing what Science can do to heal and I am amazed how somehow I find the strength to pull through all of what has happened.  Life is never easy and now is not the time to be hard on myself.

The dust is settling and I know what I have learned so far. I’ve learned that it’s time to take care of myself and I’ve earned to take living one day at a time.

That’s my story. I probably could have told it better. I probably left out things and otherwise I went on too long. However, I think that the world we live in inhibits us from having the time and space to share what we are experiencing and processing.  I don’t know if there is enough space left in the world for one to hesitate or to  talk about what’s going on in our mind. We’re too busy distracting ourselves, attracted to the artificial and away from the organic..

Thanks for listening to me.

I think it’s important that we share our stories.  It helps me, it puts things in perspective, it makes thing real. By sharing I learn.  By sharing, I think we all learn.  I learn about gratitude and perhaps you learn about empathy.

We all have stories.  We all can make room for them to be shared.