The Settling of Dust

As I look back through my life, the one thing I knew is that I didn’t always know better.  Yet, somehow, I learned what “better” was, often by trial and error, and somehow, I would end up better, if not worse for wear.

Here’s a story for you, it’s all true, or so I am told because I don’t remember a lot of it.  There’s a lot of magic in as well, even though it might at times feel like “too much”.

On May 29th., my Mother woke up at about 9am and found me in my room having seizures.  I don’t know what having seizures feels like or looks like, but by my Mom’s account, I looked like an alien.  She called emergency and I was rushed to the hospital.

That sounds scary to me, but here lies within the magic.  My Mother didn’t usually wake up until 11am, but that day she woke up early and found me.  I learned later that emergency was able to assess that I had been in the state of seizure for 40 minutes when I was discovered and apparently any seizure that lasts more than 5 minutes generally leads to permanent brain damage or death.  So why did my Mother get up early than normal; why did she find me; why did she save my life? It’s a miracle.

Well I think that’s because what Mother’s do.  I think at some instinctive level, she received the message that her son was in distress, and listened to that message and got up – and she saved my life.  She gave me life and she has been saving my life ever since.

Throughout an experience that really does feel like “too much” there within lie many miracles.  The miracle that my Mother saved me.  Once I got to the hospital, I was in rough shape and was unconscious.  I was put on life support and remained in Intensive Care and on life support for 6 days.

Thanks to the wonders of modern science, the medical team was able to ascertain that I had experienced acute Kidney failure as well.  From what I understand, and of course these are just numbers, but when a person experiences acute kidney failure, 80% of the time, it leads to death.  I didn’t die.  Again, I beat the odds. Here lies within another miracle.

And while we are talking about miracles, I would like to acknowledge how miracles happen because family, friends and Science support you, through love and through knowledge.

We live in a world of miracles, and although it’s easy for me to stare off into space and think of how rough things are, I can just as easily stare off into space and think about miracles.

Why do I keep beating the odds?  I do it again and again, over and over.  Is it divine intervention?  Is it because I am here for a reason?

What is my reason?

What is my purpose?

So the story continues.  I spent a couple weeks in the hospital and dug into some serious inner strength to convince the medical staff that I was fine to be discharged, which I was with the notes “patient should require a few weeks of dialysis and return to normal, the prognosis is good”.

I worked so hard to get out of the hospital.  I hated being there.  I couldn’t sleep and the food was awful.  Isn’t it funny that the two things we need to get better, sleep and nutrition are so lacking in the hospital environment, nevertheless I found the strength to show them that I had it all together do I was discharged.

That’s what I did, I pulled it all together so I could get out of the hospital, so I could be at home, so I could get a decent sleep, so I wouldn’t be constantly poked with needles, so I can eat food that tasted like actual food.  Truth be home, I wanted to be home so I could see my Mom.

When I got home, I quickly learned that whatever wellness I presented at the hospital was a charade.   I can barely remember the first few weeks, but I do remember that I weighted 132lbs (and I am 6 feet tall) so I was skinny and weak.  I kept falling and was covered in scraped and bruises.  I was having a hard time adjusting to the new meds so I had a lot of “accidents” for lack of a better word, or maybe a better word is GI problems, that’s two words of course.  There, I just demonstrated my cognitive functions are returning to normal.  I think this is where people type “LOL”.  I did, however have huge issues with my psyche.  I don’t know if it was the disease, the dialysis or the meds or just plain stress (I find in most cases, the answer to this dilemma is “all of the above”), but I was sleeping endlessly, losing tracks of days, not knowing if it was 6am or 6pm.  I missed dialysis appointments.  I sometimes didn’t know who I was or where I was, or if, I even just “was”.

Then my Mother died.

It all began to feel like too much, and it was.

So I was on dialysis for a couple of weeks, and now it’s been four months.  My kidney’s are not returning to normal functions.  Something is broken, and my best friend, my Mother, the one person that knows me best and loves me unconditionally is gone.

I am broken.

I am getting a biopsy done tomorrow and hopefully it will provide information on what happened and what might or will happen with my kidneys, but I’ve noticed the words transplant and lifelong dialysis or being thrown around.

It’s amazing what Science can do to heal and I am amazed how somehow I find the strength to pull through all of what has happened.  Life is never easy and now is not the time to be hard on myself.

The dust is settling and I know what I have learned so far. I’ve learned that it’s time to take care of myself and I’ve earned to take living one day at a time.

That’s my story. I probably could have told it better. I probably left out things and otherwise I went on too long. However, I think that the world we live in inhibits us from having the time and space to share what we are experiencing and processing.  I don’t know if there is enough space left in the world for one to hesitate or to  talk about what’s going on in our mind. We’re too busy distracting ourselves, attracted to the artificial and away from the organic..

Thanks for listening to me.

I think it’s important that we share our stories.  It helps me, it puts things in perspective, it makes thing real. By sharing I learn.  By sharing, I think we all learn.  I learn about gratitude and perhaps you learn about empathy.

We all have stories.  We all can make room for them to be shared.

 

27 thoughts on “The Settling of Dust

  1. Harlon, it’s been a while since I’ve dropped by. I’m sorry to learn of your mother’s death and about your near-death experience. You’ve been hit from all sides. May you find the strength that lies within you to get up and begin anew ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, Harlon ❤ ❤
    To read this story again, I still feel the same…and I still send you the most beautiful white healing light that I can offer!
    I had to tell you that I wrote a poem today, before I read this, that I thought I might get to post…and the title is, “The Dust Settles!” It doesn’t look like I will get to post…maybe later…maybe tomorrow….but the synchronicity we continue to share is just amazing.
    Things have changed very quickly here…and I am full-time (24/7) nurse/caretaker. I can’t help but think of our collaboration that we never published…and I just want you to know that I am stronger, and a much better caretaker because you are in my life and because you taught me how important this job is. I love you, Harlon. Reaching out to tell you, THANK YOU ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sharing is something personal and vulnerable depending on the subject. You have been vulnerable and that takes courage. My condolences on the passing of your mother. To go through what you have gone through and then lose your mother is tragic. As for miracles they happen you have to listen to their whispers. Love is all there ever was and love is all there is and that is where miracles are seen. Be well my friend and sending you healing. Follow your heart it has no fences.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh Harlon, I am so sorry for your loss and all that you have gone through. Thank you for sharing your story, and your appreciation for life once more.
    May you continue to heal and grieve in your own way.
    Sending love and light to you. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This rollercoaster we are all travelling on has given you little respite over the past few months and I’m deeply sorry to hear about your lovely mother passing; the health woes I can relate to and therefore know how wonderful it is that you’ve been able to come back and post, share with your fellow travellers all the above. May your treatment be as swift and as painless as possible. ❤

    Esme sending the suns rays and love from upon the Cloud

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I suspected your absence was not due to an overabundance of happiness but I’m sorry to hear the particulars. These have been hard days for you and I feel so helpless – we are separated by so much. But our ability to share is precious and I am grateful you have made your way back to us. Both your body and your heart are still healing, though neither will fully mend. You obviously have a lot of strength in you. I will lend you some of mine.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “We all have stories. We all can make room for them to be shared.”
    We sure do, Harlon. It was wonderful and bitter sweet to read yours. Sorry about your mom; yet she was there when she was needed the most. Now it’s up to you. You can, and will, do it. It being whatever is in your best interest. I guess that means ‘looking after you’..
    xoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My condolences and sympathies on the loss of your Mom. When my Mom died in 1998 my world was shattered but slowly I was able to pick up my broken pieces and go on.

    You’ve been through a lot. I admire your courage, bravery and strength. I believe that God has a plan and purpose for your life. Your testimony though painful comes from your heart. As you continue to heal don’t hesitate to ask for help. My prayer is that God will send a family member or friend to help you get through your grief and tough times. Hugs and Love to you always.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Yours is a powerful story and I’m honored to read it. I love this: “We live in a world of miracles, and although it’s easy for me to stare off into space and think of how rough things are, I can just as easily stare off into space and think about miracles.” At the very least, your purpose to share about these miracles and you have done this well. I believe there are more. The body and science are amazing, but the spirit is even more amazing. I keep thinking about your mother and her powerful love. She loves you still. I feel the presence of my parents from time to time, like today, and I hope you will continue to feel your mother’s deep love. Welcome back! I’ve missed you, too. Keep taking good care of yourself and let others care for you. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been dealing with, Harlon, especially the loss of your mother. Thank you so much for this post and sharing your story. I’ve missed you these last few months and wondered where you were. Take good care of yourself and lean on friends and family as you need, that’s what we’re all here for, to help one another.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Kelly, I truly value your words and thoughts – and you are right, we are all here to help one another. I thank you for how in your way, you help me. xo Harlon

      Like

  11. Hey little brother. It is important we share our stories. Yes we all learn and I know it’s important for you to keep telling yours. Well done. Keep fighting for those of us that enjoy each others stories. Imagine a world that is real. No matter how painful, I will take real every time and you are real. Much Love …Bo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I always have this feeling of “I miss you” when I think of you, in a good way, but in a way which I wish we were geograhically closer. xoxo H
      P.S. Ain’t no mountain high enough…

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Thanks for sharing your story, Harlon. So sorry to hear about your mom. May you still feel her presence and love in your heart. Take good care, my friend. You are loved by many. When you are up to it, I’d love to see you. Big hug! Bob

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Dearest Harlon
    I thìnk this is one of the most profound, thought provoking and truly inspiring pieces you have written this far.
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I know how deep that pain is.
    You know my journey…right now I’m struggling and what you have written here has seriously kicked my butt back into “get off your ass” mode.
    You inspire, encourage, and keep me focused. I love you my amazing friend.
    S . xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your genuine and thoughtful comment. I really struggled to get this post out, it was therapy for me – and what a wonderful response I received from you. Thank you for helping me move forward.
      xo Harlon

      Liked by 1 person

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